Coming back

There have been many changes in the past year or two. I have not been able to access the internet on my computer. I am going to get the WP app so I can start making posts again. I miss reading about your adventures and sharing mine with you. See you soon.

Obscenities Abound

Warning. there may be some cussing in this post. Specifically the word “Fuck”

If this offends you, or makes you believe I am a lesser person for using the word, especially in the context I am going to be using it, for the reason I am going to be using it, then do not read any further.

 

First let me say this. To my fellow transgender males out there, I do not begrudge you for being able to get any surgery you want in your transition, but I am envious of it. This post is to get my feelings out about what I am experiencing, it is not an attack on you, or your ability to get what you need to have in your own journey.

 

So, I, of course, am on face book everyday. I use it for many reasons, some professional, and some personal, not to mention I like to play some of the games. I am a part of some transgender groups on face book. I do not often post things, but on occasion I will add my thoughts or congratulate someone on achieving the next step in their transition. I even get to see some of that on here by reading other transgender males blogs.

 

But I have to say, some days it is really hard for me to share in their excitement because I am so deep in my dysphoria that it hurts ( and no, I do not think that Trigger warnings or censoring such posts are required).

 

The other day I was looking through my feed and someone that I have been friends with on face book is getting their top surgery, like today, or yesterday now. Of course, I am excited for him to a degree. I am happy for him, but really the first thing that popped into my head was “Fuck You!” and no, it was not really me telling him to go fuck off. It was more of a fuck you to life. Fuck you to the screwed up system we have that makes it possible for some people to get insurance to cover these surgeries and for other people not to get them. And btw, I think it is fucked up for it to happen to Anyone regardless of the surgery needed.

This post is not about our insurance system, or at least not in a deep way of me offering suggestions of how it should be fixed or anything like that. This post is about me being in a moment and wanting to just shout “fuck You” to everyone and everything. It hurt, it hurt enough to feel as though a knife was being pushed through my chest, which led me to think about getting a knife and using it to cut of my own chest. It led to me having to remove myself from the world long enough for me to regain my control.

In part I am shamed by my feelings. I tried to talk myself out of writing this post. I pride myself on acting a certain way to the public eye. I am strong, I take pride in controlling my actions and emotions while in public, either really in public, or the public eye on social media sites. I don’t use the word often in my writing on my wall, I don’t use it in my speech while in the public eye (at home I use it more, but not as much as I did when I was younger). But, I used it a lot the day I saw my friend announcing his top surgery was so damn close.

I had this mini dialogue with myself where I cursed a lot.. Why the FUCK? Fuck You!

I want this fucking chest gone! Why did I have to be born like this! I fucking hate it! I can’t fucking stand it!

I told you, I used fuck a lot.

And it has been weighing on my mind a lot. I try to be patient, I really do, as much as I can be patient. I finally got my name legally changed. I am on T, and have been for three years now. I don’t bleed, I had a hysterectomy years ago.. I have to have my ovaries removed and will probably get done before my chest surgery does.. but really .. it is my chest I am more concerned with than anything else on that front.

I hate it. I can’t stand working around it. I also can’t stand having to wear fucking binders every damn day. It is getting to the point that I won’t put it on unless I am leaving the house. They are hot, and they cause issues with breathing at times. I take them off as soon as I know I don’t have to go anywhere else. But then, I am left with these hanging blobs of anger inducing chains on my soul.

I am a happy man. I really am in most everything in my life. I have a wonderful woman who has agreed to legally bind herself to me for life. We have three wonderful kids, we have wonderful adopted kids, we have a beautiful new daughter in law, we have a beautiful grandson. We eat everyday, we sleep in beds every night. Yet, this one thing.. this one huge massive thing kills me every time I look at myself. Every time I move and they move, every time I see someone looking at them. Every time I breathe in and out, or do something as type where my arms are pressed against them whether they are bound or not.

I do not have the money to pay for the surgery straight from my pocket. My insurance does not cover it, not even a little bit.

I have worked hard my entire life. I have always worked hard, even when I was put on disability I worked hard at contributing something to this world. I still do. My disability pay is something I earned by working hard all those years.

And while I am at it, let me put my two cents in on transgender individuals getting surgeries paid for by the state while serving time for a crime they have been proven guilty of. And I am probably going to ruffle some feathers here especially since I am transgender and I should understand.

There has been a lot of talk as of late about transgender individuals not being able to get SRS while serving time in prison.  Well I am sorry, but I don’t think they should be getting surgery in prison either. I do think they need to be housed and treated the gender they identify with. And hey if a transwoman still has a penis and they are housed in cisgender women population and the officials are worried about pregnancy, let me just point out to you that they have a majority of male guards in female prisons. (not that I Am saying all male guards mess with the females, I am just saying we all know it has happened) and besides, if it becomes, or is an issue, there is always protective confinement. (This goes for transmen too btw)  We take away children, we take away the right to vote, we take away the freedom of people who are put into prison after being convicted of a crime. Why in the hell should it be fair to give someone SRS? When there are thousands of people out of prison who are doing honest work, working their asses off to make the rent every month, who are going through life trying to just live, that cannot afford to even get a consult with a doctor who will do the surgery? Hey, you know what? I don’t think they should be getting cable in prison either.

 

LLAP

Hair cuts

I have often talked about things that make me dsyphoric. Like my chest and the fact that it is still there and I don’t want it to be. One of the other things that make me a bit on the crazy side is my hair. When I was younger my mother kept my hair long, and I mean long, like past my ass long. I hated it with a fiery passion and I often dreamed about cutting it all off, but I knew my mother would beat my ass all over town if I did, so, I didn’t.

The first time she sent me to the stylist alone to get my hair trimmed and thinned she about flipped the hell out because I came home with a short, albeit girly, hair cut. I wanted a typical boy’s haircut, but the lady would not do it. She did cut off about a foot of hair though and took the money my mother sent me with. When I came home and my mother saw it she raised holy hell. Screamed and yelled at me. I was actually surprised that she didn’t beat my ass actually. The one thing she said that made me smile and howl with laughter, on the inside of course, was “I will never pay for a haircut for you again” and she never did, which was fine with me because I made my own money after that and got my hair cut the way I wanted to.

Now, that was kind of hard to do at times because they would see this girl and try to do femme things to me. I hated it. It took many many years to get someone to cut my hair the right way.

Oh then there was mullet days.. -hides my head in shame- yes I had a mullet, and I had one for far longer than anyone should have had a mullet.. like a way long time. But, then Angel and I met Sandy and she took to us like fish to water. She loves us and we love her. I told her exactly what I wanted to have my hair like and she did it. Exactly the way I wanted it to be. She has been cutting my hair now for the past 7 years? It has been a long time, of that I know. Well on occasion when we are a little tight on money Angel has to cut my hair, and she does it well enough, though we both know it is not like when Sandy cuts it.

Sandy had to have some surgery on her head today (We are all hoping it went well, but not texting her till a couple days I am sure she needs the rest) and of course I needed a hair cut, so Angel had to cut my hair. Now everyone who knows me very well, knows the only thing that I am vain about is my hair and when it starts to get too long it makes me .. twitchy… I have to get it cut, I don’t care of you shave it all off, just cannot get long again. It looks like crap and I feel like crap. But, my love, my Angel did a great job. Even though she says she can see the mess ups… I am just happy I don’t look like a shaggy dog anymore..

LLAP

Transgender Terminology

So tomorrow I am speaking at Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Fayetteville about how to be inclusive of transgender people in work, public, home, and worship. I find it fortuitous that the Bruce Jenner interview aired last night and I am speaking about this tomorrow.

This is a great chance to help educate people who truly want to know how to do things without offending others in this new world we are moving into.

I unfortunately at the time of this writing, have not seen the interview ( I was at a bachelor party last night for my son), but I am planning on trying to see it as soon as possible. In the mean time I wanted to list some transgender terminology in this blog so that others could refer to it when need be. Also so that I could give this addy to the people I am speaking to tomorrow so that they too can see the list and be reminded of what we talk about.

As always if there are any questions, feel free to contact me.

Let me first start by saying, Gender Expression/Identity is not the same as Sexual orientation. One has nothing to do with the other. 

Transgender: A term for people whose gender identity, expression or behavior is different from those typically associated with their assigned sex at birth. Transgender is a broad term and is good for non-transgender people to use. “Trans” is shorthand for “transgender.” (Note: Transgender is correctly used as an adjective, not a noun, thus “transgender people” is appropriate but “transgenders” is often viewed as disrespectful.)

Transgender Man: A term for a transgender individual who currently identifies as a man also known as FTM which means “Female-t0-male” a person who was assigned female at birth, but identifies as male. (shortened version would be transman)

Transgender Woman: A term for a transgender individual who currently identifies as a woman also known as MTF which means “Male-to-female” a person who was assigned male at birth, but identifies as female. (shortened version would be transwoman)

Gender Identity: An individual’s internal sense of being male, female, or something else. Since gender identity is internal, one’s gender identity is not necessarily visible to others.

Gender Expression: How a person represents or expresses one’s gender identity to others, often through behavior, clothing, hairstyles, voice or body characteristics.

Transsexual: An older term for people whose gender identity is different from their assigned sex at birth who seeks to transition from male to female or female to male. Many do not prefer this term because it is thought to sound overly clinical.

Cross-dresser: A term for people who dress in clothing traditionally or stereotypically worn by the other sex, but who generally have no intent to live full-time as the other gender. The older term “transvestite” is considered derogatory by many in the United States.

Queer: A term used to refer to lesbian, gay, bisexual and, often also transgender, people. Some use queer as an alternative to “gay” in an effort to be more inclusive. Depending on the user, the term has either a derogatory or an affirming connotation, as many have sought to reclaim the term that was once widely used in a negative way.

Also from PFLAG

Think of queer as an umbrella term. It includes anyone who a) wants to identify as queer and b) who feels somehow outside of the societal norms in regards to gender or sexuality. This, therefore, could include the person who highly values queer theory concepts and would rather not identify with any particular label, the gender fluid bisexual, the gender fluid heterosexual, the questioning LGBT person, and the person who just doesn’t feel like they quite fit in to societal norms and wants to bond with a community over that.

Genderqueer: A term used by some individuals who identify as neither entirely male nor entirely female.

Gender Non-conforming: A term for individuals whose gender expression is different from societal expectations related to gender.

Bi-gendered: One who has a significant gender identity that encompasses both genders, male and female Some may feel that one side or the other is stronger, but both sides are there.

Two-Spirit: A contemporary term that refers to the historical and current First Nations people whose individuals spirits were a blend of male and female spirits. This term has been reclaimed by some in Native American LGBT communities in order to honor their heritage and provide an alternative to the Western labels of gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.

Sex Reassignment Surgery: Surgical procedures that change one’s body to better reflect a person’s gender identity. This may include different procedures, including those sometimes also referred to as “top surgery” (breast augmentation or removal) or “bottom surgery” (altering genitals). Contrary to popular belief, there is not one surgery; in fact there are many different surgeries. These surgeries are medically necessary for some people, however not all people want, need, or can have surgery as part of their transition. “Sex change surgery” is considered a derogatory term by many.

Sexual Orientation: A term describing a person’s attraction to members of the same sex and/or a different sex, usually defined as lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual, or asexual.

Transition: The time when a person begins to living as the gender with which they identify rather than the gender they were assigned at birth, which often includes changing one’s first name and dressing and grooming differently. Transitioning may or may not also include medical and legal aspects, including taking hormones, having surgery, or changing identity documents (e.g. driver’s license, Social Security record) to reflect one’s gender identity. Medical and legal steps are often difficult for people to afford.

Intersex: A term used for people who are born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy and/or chromosome pattern that does not seem to fit typical definitions of male or female. Intersex conditions are also known as differences of sex development (DSD).

Drag Queen: Used to refer to male performers who dress as women for the purpose of entertaining others at bars, clubs, or other events. It is also sometimes used in a derogatory manner to refer to transgender women.

Drag King: Used to refer to female performers who dress as men for the purposes of entertaining others at bars, clubs, or other events.

Cisgender: A person who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth. One that is not a transgender person.

If you would like to know more about the transgender community go here.. Transgender Equality

Or you can ask me.

 

LLAP

Binding is a Pain!

As a transman with a larger chest I have the dubious pleasure of trying to hide these puppies everyday of my life. Unless of course I want to go around trying to knock someone out with the swinging blobs of flesh, and that someone would most likely be myself.

I am not really into self KO, so I have to do something with them. However, since using a scapel on them myself is out of the question.. you know the whole they would commit me if I used a blade on myself thing…. and wearing a … b..b..br…br….. -He gulps hard and tries once more- .. wearing a brrrrraaaa .. is so WAY out of the question then I must do like most other transmen do and that is to wear a binder.

Now, if you are new to this blog, or new to any blog writing by a transgender man about his journey to transition let me catch you up to speed on terminology. Binder is a piece of garment worn to try and press, squash, hide, and down right make the breasts disappear. Most transgender men, though not all I am told, can’t even stand the look of the breasts on their chest. I often tell people I have awesome pecs with a little laugh, hoping it will throw the topic in another direction. A binder is made of a sort of spandex, nylon material. It is double paneled on the front and single on the back. They come in many different styles and sizes.. You can go here to take a look at some. Binders

This is not the place I got my first binders from, but since I have lost a great deal of weight I need to buy some more, and this place looks to have some really good quality binders for a reasonable price.

Anyway, I put a binder on everyday to go out of the house. During the winter, or winter like months in NC, it is a bit easier because having an extra two layers on is not so horrible. ( I wear an A-Shirt under my binder to keep sweat from running down my back). However, during the summer it is HELL.

I am a big guy and I am a hot box. My temp runs high and my wife often refers to me as her own personal furnace. She never has to worry about getting cold in the winter. I sweat a lot during the summer time. It is a season I do not enjoy going outside because I HAVE TO BIND. There is NO choice in the matter. There is not waking up one day and saying, “Oh I think I will just throw a bra on instead of the binder and go walk around in the public eye.” 1. I don’t own any, I threw them all away. 2. I, as a man, do not wear a bra. 3. Wearing a bra just accentuates the issues of the breasts that are NOT suppose to be there on my body.

Now, when I am not going out and plan on sitting around my house being a lazy bum and playing xbox all day, and I know only my family is going to be there then I will wear an A-shirt and my sweat pants around the house. My family does not see those breasts there. It just does not register in their brains as being breasts because they have totally and unconditionally accepted me for me. Yet, sometimes people come over. Sometimes people I am not exactly comfortable with yet in that light. People who have not fully understood yet, that even though they are seeing breasts swinging under my shirt, I am not a woman. I am a man.

I can see some people arguing with me and telling me I should bind all the time so that they don’t see that and maybe it would help. Why? Why in my own house do I have to bind? Those that bind, those that have huge chests and bind knows what I know. BINDING IS A PAIN! Literally. During the summer it makes it harder to breathe and often times when I get home I am stripping as I am walking through the front door.

So stop.

Yeah no. That is not an option. Really it isn’t. I wish I could make people understand what I feel inside. How can I make someone understand the utter pain inside of me of what I go through at the very thought of not transitioning, of not hiding my chest, of going backwards instead of forward. I wish I could make people understand how much it hurts me.. deeply hurts me when someone calls me “She” “Her”.

Yes, I know. Tell them, and I have. And we have been mean about it as well. But this post isn’t about that really. I started writing this because I wanted to just talk about how much of a pain it is to bind my chest. About how everyday I fight the urge to take care of it myself.

I am very lucky to have the wife I do, and the children I do, because they keep me strong and I keep moving forward.

And tomorrow morning I will wake up, resist the urge to take one of my blades to my chest, but instead I will pull my binder on over my a-shirt and move one through another day.

LLAP

It is Official

So, two weeks ago this past Monday I went to the court house and posted a notice of my intent to change my legal name (cus you know I was still toting around documents with that birth name on it) I put my notice up and walked away from it. I had imagined myself going to the court house everyday to make sure it was still there all nice and secure like, but I resisted. I stayed home and I tried to not think about it. I mean after all I could have sat here everyday and wished for the time to go by faster. See, my wife is a person who cannot sit still much. She has to be doing something, anything, but something has to be done to pass the time, and she knows me. She knows if I didn’t have something to keep me busy then I would have obsessed over it every single day.

So, we kept busy. We did yard work. I did some writing, and resisted the urge to write about how many more days I had. It is amazing how fast the days pass by when you have bills to pay and yards to clean up. Because soon it was the day. The day I went down to the court house again.

The day I took that notice off the board, right where I had left it. Took it up to the next floor, gave all the paperwork I needed to the lady. Paid them, and held back the tears and tried to hide the shaking hands as she handed me two copies of my orders. I looked at her and smiled and said. “So, it is official?” She gave me a big smile, realizing I think how much it meant to me, and said. “It is all official now” then added that I should go straight to the social security office.

So, now it begins. The running around to get everything changed. I had to make some phone calls to find out exactly what I had to do first, but I am on my way. I just have to bring the court documents 24 hours after telling social security to the DMV and get my new license. Then I can change the name at my bank, and can change my insurance, and then I can change my name at the doctors office on my medical files. It all takes time. Frankly, the time it takes to get all the things changed into my real name is longer than it took to actually get it changed once the process had been started.

I think this is just the beginning of what is to come.

LLAP

Being a Role Model

I am sure I talked about my lack of role models at some point in this journal of my transitioning. It has been on my mind again lately. We have a one year old grandson who is doing a lot of walking around, talking and mimicking people around him. I watch him discover the world around me and it brings me back to when I was younger. I watched my grandpa a lot and followed him around whenever he was home. My Grams would let me go out with him to the barn and do things with him if he allowed me to. I watched how he treated my Grams and to this day I refer back to the man he was as I go through life.

I like to think that I am a gentleman. I open doors for all the women in my family and generally do so with our female friends. I try to do things for Angel that show her how much I love her and value her in my life.

There is a lot about me that I consider old fashioned while still trying to be modern. I cook on occasion, and at the holidays I bake for the family and our friends. I do what some men from the 50’s would call “woman’s work” (Don’t get mad at me, I do not think like that) I just see it as taking care of my family and our house. But sometimes it is really funny how I move and operate and the feelings it can cause in me.

When I was growing up I imagined having a wife, 2.5 kids, dog, cat and a white picket fence, where we could grow old and rock on our front porch while our grand kids played in the yard. I imagined picking up my wife from home as I came from the office in my perfectly pressed suit, to take her to some fancy dinner. Tucking in our kids, kissing them on the forehead as we snuggled the blankets up to their chins. Standing at the head of the table and carving the Fall Turkey. Yeah I watched Leave it to Beaver a lot when I was a kid.

However, real life kicked in. Issues from my past kept me from being affectionate with our children. (something I am trying to fix) Picking all the wrong people to try and make a life with kept this life from me for a very long time. But then Angel and I met, and life changed for the better. We have our house that our grandson plays with our dog. We have more than one cat (may all the gods help me), we have three children and a fence (though it is a privacy fence and not white) I don’t tuck my children in, I don’t smoke a pipe and sit in the living room reading the newspaper. I do however try to show our children and grandson how to respect the people you love and how to treat a woman.

I had a conversation with Angel one day about how I was unsure at times of how to treat women outside of our family. I wanted to open doors, and hold out chairs for them, but I have actually been verbally attacked by some women for doing that. Oh, but that is a whole other topic I could get into. Ladies, do not get me wrong on this, please. I, of all people, understand the fight for equal rights, equal pay and wanting to be taken seriously. Trust me on this. And in no way ever would I think a woman NEEDED to be protected or taken care of. Do you think Angel would allow me to act like that, or be with someone who thought like that? Yeah… no.

Even before I started my transition I had taught my son to value a woman, to be there for her, to take care of your wife. Never, ever, at any time should you use your hands on a woman in a harmful way. I think I did something right, he is getting married next month and he is working his ass off to be sure he has a 40 hour week and insurance so that he can provide for his new wife.

Man, I feel very distorted today so bare with me in this post.

I guess all of this has to do with the fact that I am closer to the day where my name is offically changed and to the world I will have that male name and with any luck the M on my ID’s. So at times I worry that I am a good male role model for other’s around me. I wish I could say I had my grandpa around me all the time, but I didn’t. I only remember bits and pieces from when I would be there in the summer. None of that happened after Grams died when I was 10 . So, I didn’t grow up with a good male role model as a teenager. Right now I feel like I am in the middle of everything.

In the middle of being who I was and who I am to become.  In the middle of being where I am and where I want to be. I am really tired of this limbo crap.

 

LLAP

Buying a suit before top surgery

So, I had to buy a white suit for my friend’s wedding that I attended this past weekend. I was joking all this time about how much I loved my friend because I was actually buying a white suit, with white shoes when there was no way in hell I was going to find another place to wear it. (no I didn’t rent because I could not rent it from them, plus it was cheaper to buy than to rent anyway) Anyway, apparently I look pretty good in a white suit and I have been figuring out a way I can do different things with it to wear to different things. And the vest and tie that I wore with it is slamming too, so not a bad thing after all.

However, buying a suit before having top surgery actually caused me some anxiety for a little while until finally I was able to get into the store. The people there treated us rather nicely and even though I am trying to flatten D cups no one once called me anything other than Sir, or Mr. Silvermane.

I am constantly trying to arrange them, flatten them with the binder and wearing my vests to hide them. So anytime I have to wear something that I find to be too revealing it causes me mental issues. As well as when anyone has to get too close to me. And I wasn’t sure what all they were going to do when I got fitted for the suit. The guy who helped me found the exact fit of the jacket and all I had to do is get the cuffs fixed some. The only other thing I needed to get done was to hem the pant legs.

But I will be so damn glad when I can have my top surgery so I can feel more comfortable with getting fitted for suits. I love suits, I love them more when it is not super hot outside. I run hot a lot and often times having that suit jacket on is a pain in the ass. But that is ok because I love vests and ties just as much. I can’t even think of right now how many ties I have now. But I have 6 vests now and I am loving it. Though I think two maybe one of them is not going to be worn much anymore because they are actually getting too big for me now and they don’t really hide what I need hidden to feel comfortable.

I can’t wait to get some more.

LLAP

Social Events

So, the family and I are in South Carolina right now to attend the wedding of a woman I call my “brother from another mother”.  I am so glad to be here for her and stand up on her side as she commits to the woman she loves. I am even happier that she has the opportunity to do so now that SC has legalized same sex marriage.

We came down last night so that I could attend her bachelor party like best men and groomsmen are suppose to do, and all I can say is that it was definitely a bachelor party… LOL..

I got back to our room around midnight and thought I was going to pass out immediately, but apparently watching dancers is not really conducive to sleeping. Imagine that!

So we got up early this morning to go have breakfast and met up with my mother in law.

We are both in the wedding. She on one side, me on the other.

She has already called me “she” at breakfast and I am hoping it is the last time. I mean damn It has been years now and she still does it. It drives me nuts. I pass, there is no problem with that, but I am still young enough in my transition that I don’t have much facial hair and what facial hair I do get is very blond so I shave it. I wear my binder and my vest most times to hide the chest, so most people don’t think anything other than I am male.

But with her calling me “she” all the time it just makes social events like this stressful for me. All I can hope is that people think she is “out if her mind” and that they ignore it.

Angel says there is no way anyone could think of me as other than male because I exude masculine as soon as I walk in the room, but her constant misgendering me just grates on my nerves. I am trying to be patient though. I really am.

Ok so onto other things.

As I said I am standing up for my friend. Her brother and son are her best men and he did a banging job on the bachelor party. Hired three dancers, had food and non-alcoholic drinks so all the good time was pure. He was making sure his sister had a great time on her last night of being unmarried ( I don’t say free because being married is not a prison sentence)

I have to wear a white suit. All white suit. White suit, white shirt, white shoes, with silver vest and tie. This should be interesting especially with my red face LOL… I will probably share pictures tomorrow.

So that is my day today. We will drive back home after the reception so I probably won’t be making another entry till tomorrow.

I hope you all have a great day.

LLAP

Boy, was I confused

So, as I stated in another blog post Angel and I have been cleaning out our shed to make into an office. So, this means we are cleaning through all sorts of matter. We had to go through paperwork we had in an old filing cabinet.

This brought about pictures, bills, contracts, diplomas and old letters. Of course you can imagine that I came across many bills, contracts and diplomas with my birth name on them. (hopefully they will change them to my soon to be legal name) and of course I had old pictures with my birth name. Oh, but then I came across evidence of my confusion before I admitted to myself who I really am.

At one point in time, because I hated my birth name so much and knew it was not me, I decided to change my name. I had a favorite author at the time named Mercedes Lackey (still is one of my favorites) and I think somewhere deep down I knew what was going to happen because I decided my name was going to be Mercedes Storm Seagrave (Seagrave is my father’s name, I never got it when I was born because my parents were not married) But, see I put Storm as my middle name, I could get away with it, because some have thought of it as a nickname for me for years. So I knew I could do it without people asking me why I was picking a male name (though I believe it is not gender oriented)

Of course years later when I made the admission of who I was and how I felt, I knew my name was going to be Storm Marcus Silvermane. Some people ask me how I came up with my name, and I wish I had some heartfelt romantic  reason for what I chose to be identified as for the rest of my life. But, simply, Storm is a nickname I was given years ago because of the temper I had, and Marcus was the name I always wished I had. Silvermane? Well it is not a family name at all, and it is not after the villain Silvermane either. In fact Storm is not after our hero from X-Men either. Silvermane came from one of my characters in a story I wrote. She is a halfling. Half Human and Half White Tiger. Her hair being part human hair and part tiger I described as more like a mane in the way if flowed than anything else, so her last name was Silvermane and I adopted it for myself as well. That is how I got my name, nothing romantic or wildly interesting, but it is mine and I like it, and what is better is that Angel likes it and is willing to take it as her last name as well. So that is good enough for me.

I am glad I am not confused anymore.