Transgender Day of Remembrance

I know I am a bit late on this, and yes I know I have not blogged in a long time. Which is awful since I am often giving tips on blogging, and I never seem to be able to keep to the schedule I set for myself. I need to get better at this. I keep saying that too, anyway I digress.

So Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Fayetteville, NC had me back to speak to their congregation. This time in honor of all transgender individuals who were killed in the past year.

I was there on the last day of November to speak to them about the dangers transgender people face every day. Regardless of where one fits under that umbrella there are dangers if others who are not accepting know about it.  I always write a small speech and I always stop following it about a minute into it. I have come to realize that I watch my audience and I watch what they are really listening to, I see what affects them most and I steer my talk in that direction. Because I really want them to understand what is going on in the world they are not always a part of . I want people to understand that their world will eventually mingle in with my world, like it did that day. I want to teach people how to interact with others without causing issues or hurting other people’s feelings. I also want to teach us.. I want to teach us that not everyone is going to learn at the same pace. Not everyone is going to know what to do, or say, or how to act right away. I want to teach patience to everyone, including myself (and I have very little patience most times). But I also want others to know that there is a cutoff point. There is a time in that learning where you should have it.. You should understand, or perhaps understand is not the right word. You should know enough to know that what you are doing, or refuse to do is hurting another human being.

I know someone who uses the “N” word all the time. She is white and she uses it with African American friends as though it is ok for her to do it. She used to be married to an African American male and feels it is ok for her to use the word. Those friends don’t like it, they have told her they don’t like it, they don’t like it when even people of their own race use it. Yet, she uses it and feels they should accept her using it because of when she was raised and her former marriage. It is a word that hurts a person and regardless of when you were raised or who you married, it is still an offensive word.

I know people who still refer to me with female pronouns, and they know better. I know people who I am related to who have said. I am not going to see you as male, you are a female and you will always be a female. Or give me that whole “You have to understand I met you as female, I just can’t see you as male now” “Or I have always called you “My birth name” I can’t just call you something else now. Or just plain refuse to even try. Or, “I am trying, I really am” and years down the road are still doing the same thing.

That may not seem like a danger we face to some people I am sure. But it is. It is hurtful, just as much as bullying is. To me personally, and maybe you think I am oversensitive and that is ok if you want to think that, it hurts and it is quite frankly a pain in the ass, especially if I am with a group of people who don’t all know I am a transman. People give you looks, wondering what is the deal, why is this person calling you she or her. And I would say my thoughts could be construed as paranoia if it wasn’t for all the people being killed in brutal ways, but then I start to think. Who here is getting it, who here is not liking it, who here is going to be a physical threat to me. Or better yet, who here is going to try and slander my name throughout the business world and destroy my chance at doing business in this town.  Who is going to hurt my family because I am a transman? Granted I have kids with some very thick skins and they have managed to teach a few people some things, for that I am so very grateful for. And I have a wonderful wife who has the thickest skin of all and can cut someone in half with her sharp tongue. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish they didn’t have to go through any of that.

I have tried to kill myself in the past. 5 times actually. I tried pills, I tried putting myself in stupid situations that should have killed me. I didn’t care about living anymore if all I did was hurt. Sometimes I still think about hurting myself, but not in ways of wanting to kill myself. I have a great family, my wife and kids love me to pieces and I do have a few friends who love me as well. I don’t want to end my life, but I do want to end this living in a female body. I wake up and want to take a blade to my own chest to remove the breasts that DO NOT belong there. Sometimes the hurt from the words thrown at me, the hurt I feel when I look in the mirror, the hurt I feel when I am forced to take care of the damn things, just makes me want to take the blade and cut away. But I don’t for several reasons. One, well yeah I would be put in an institution for being crazy, though sometimes it does not look crazy to me, when it actually is. Two, the pain would probably knock me out quick enough to not get it done right. Three, I am not looking to be classified as mental. Four, I know, that this too shall pass and that I am working on getting it done the right way.

But that is me, that is not always true for others. We go through enough shit from our own minds, heart and fears. We don’t need it from others. And sometimes there are some of us who don’t make it past this pain and either take our own lives, or put our selves in the position for someone else to take our life. Or we just plain get beaten to death, dismembered, shot, raped.

This year for some reason was particularly hard on me for TDOR. I read about an 8 year old child, who was born into a male body, who liked his hair long, who liked female clothing, and liked to dance. He was killed… beaten to death… by his father. His father! The man that was supposed to protect him, love him, and show him how to be a loving human being decided his 8 year old child needed to die, by beating him to death.

Picture an 8 year old child.  Go ahead.. I will wait.

Can you see one?

I so want to scream right now. I really just want to grab people and shake them senseless. WHY!?!?! Why do people think that it is ok to kill someone just because they have figured out that they are not the gender the body they were born into shows? Why do people think it is ok to beat someone to death because of this? Why do people think it is ok to beat an 8 year old child to death because you think they might be transgender because they don’t want short hair, or they want female clothing or to dance.

This blog is starting to become a rant, and I am ok with that, because I feel right now that society needs more rants. Because it does not seem to be getting through people’s heads about the real truth of right and wrong. For years and even in some states homosexuals, and pre-op transsexuals who were viewed as being in a homosexual relationship could not, cannot, get married. Good hardworking, religious, spiritual people could not get married because society at one point in time said. It is a perversion and they are all going to hell. Yet, Charles Manson, a murderer who was sentenced to death (later to life imprisonment because of the abolishment of the death penalty in California) is able to get married (his third) while in prison. And frankly that ticks me off. Isn’t he and many others like him leading the way to hell?

And let me add something else because it was just dawned on me. While these people who have killed others brutally and in the most heinous ways have gotten saved from death because of the abolishment of the death penalty, there are innocent 8 year olds being BEATEN to DEATH by their PARENTS for just being something other than their bodies portray them to be.

Educate… Speak Up… Stand Up… Change the world where people who are kind, good, loyal, loving and trying to help others are valued regardless of their gender identity, or expression, sexual preference, gender, race, creed, ability, or any other prejudice hateful people can come up with.

 

 

The New Improved Me

Before I get on with my post for today let me explain something. I changed my blog name to Clawing Out of My Skin because I see myself shedding the old skin of what people saw me as and becoming this new me. This is partly because of my transitioning, but it also has to do with the self-improvement I have been doing lately. So, this blog is going to cover both of those things from now on.  I was looking for a picture to portray what I am feeling like right now and I couldn’t come up with one, so a friend of mine (thank you autumn) helped me by remembering the scene in Total Recall

Arnold S. as Storm being born.

 

I was thinking about life today as I sat and attempted to write this blog post. See lately I have wondered what to talk about here. Transitioning is what lead me to start blogging on this particular site, but after a while I just got tired of spewing the same things about what I want to be, how I want to look, how the progress was coming along and everything we always read and say as we are going. Now many of the transgender people I follow on here are very witty and make things fascinating for me to read. (Thank you for that), but sometimes when I am writing about something about myself I just can’t put that witty spin on it.

Like the reality of my life is, rather was, just too boring for me to do much with in the sense of attracting people to my blog. Though I have lots of new friends because of this blog and I don’t really have a boring life. Most of this is coming from a sense of not being good enough and I recognize that in order to be able to chance things.

So as I am sitting here thinking “What could I possibly say today that will interest anyone?” I got a song from Prince in my head. Mostly one line, which held my thoughts. “Electric word life”

What an amazing line, not to mention so very true!

I want to share just a little bit of the song with you.

 

Dearly beloved

We are gathered here today

2 get through this thing called life

 

Electric word life

It means forever and that’s a mighty long time

But I’m here 2 tell u

There’s something else

The afterworld

 

A world of never ending happiness

U can always see the sun, day or night

 

So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills

U know the one – Dr Everything’ll Be Alright

Instead of asking him how much of your time is left

Ask him how much of your mind, baby

 

‘Cuz in this life

Things are much harder than in the afterworld

In this life

You’re on your own…

 

We’re all excited

But we don’t know why

Maybe it’s cuz

We’re all gonna die

 

And when we do (When we do)

What’s it all 4 (What’s it all 4)

U better live now

Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door

 

“Ok Storm, so what are you saying?”

Well it hit me that we all live our lives for the next payday, the next big thing, the next best time of our lives. Yet, we never enjoy the journey to that next thing. We never realize that our lives are not made up of just that “Big thing” that happened in our lives. Have you heard people say, “it was the best day of my life”

Well, I think that is a little sad, don’t get me wrong I say it too, and probably will again. But I want to say that I woke up this morning curled up to Angel’s back and it was the best feeling ever. I got to drive with her through the country side to get to work, and it was the best feeling ever. I was able to talk to a friend of mine on line that I have not talked to in a while, and it was the best feeling ever. I am breathing in and out, I have food for my stomach, I have happiness, and wellness. I have life all around me and it is the best feeling ever. Yes, I know, there are going to be days that have bad feelings, and bad moments, and yes I am going to not like them, but the point is, I am alive to feel the bad as well as the good.

I hate my chest, I hate waking up and seeing the mound of excessive flesh there (women call them breasts, I call them tumors on me, not women) I have a huge amount of dysphoria there, but I have to see past that, I have to see that under that is a heart that is beating. A heart that keeps me alive and lets me enjoy all this good.

 

Life for me these days has been entertaining, educating, and enlightening. I want to live every breath of life and I am going to enjoy every wonderful thing that happens to me on this journey, and I am going to forgive any unpleasant things along the way.

The Old and The New

Lately I have come to appreciate older things. Things that remind me of days gone by. Old songs on the radio, antique items, and small towns. Even seeing older programs I remember watching with my Grams when I was a kid. Like Gun Smoke, Bonanza and Big Valley and let’s not forget the Lawrence Welk Show with his bubbles at the end. And thanks to Netflix I can watch some of these older shows anytime I want to, or at least when Angel is not watching TV with me –chuckles-.

Yesterday we were driving up 401 on our way to Fuguay-Varina as she is starting a new job that will have us up here for a few days a week while she works and I get our business going. 401 takes us through some small towns and a lot of countryside and I like that best for the drive. Driving through a small blink of an eye town that is still sporting an old building or two on the side of the road. Some being used, some not able to be used for the sheer safety of it. Those buildings make me sad. It often reminds me of people in nursing homes, left and forgotten by the younger generation as the world progresses and new technology comes out.

I miss the old brick and mortar “mom and pop” shops where you could go in and buy penny candy, or a struggling farmer could charge groceries for his family until the prices came in for the flock he was raising. Some 22 years ago I lived in a small town like this. I worked in a plant factory just on the outskirts of the town and lived about 15 miles past that. I shopped at the small grocery that had a butcher in the back who was more than happy to cut anything I needed, who also gave me bones for all the dogs I had. I got gas in my car at the little full service gas station that would last me a week (which was great since gas was about $1 a gallon and I drove probably 300 miles a week easily). There was a little pizza joint that had pool tables, which also had the local bar. The “thrift shop” was really a thrift shop. Housed in an old rundown white building, that had maybe three rooms in it. The owner told me a story about his grandmother who grew up in the three room house and had his mother in one of the rooms who in turn had him in the same room while his father was off fighting in one of the wars ( I wish I could remember which one). When I first moved to this town I had visited the shop often to get things for my own house (which was probably about 100 years old or older). The gentlemen was older and it didn’t matter how much I told him I didn’t need any help that I could get my brother in law to come over and help he insisted that he deliver the items and bring it in for me, no extra charge. But in the spirit of old fashioned service and courteous neighbours I made him and his grandsons lunch.

As we drove up here last night I thought about those days, and I longed for something like that again. Even though I love my internet and I love my computer and other technologies I wish there was a way to be able to combine the things of old with the things of new. But most of all I wish there was a way to have the old values of our ancestors. Neighbours helped each other. They had socials where people got together, had a good time, ate food and maybe even built a barn for someone who needed it.

Remember when people would get together and rebuild a house or barn when some act of nature destroyed it? For no charge? We don’t see that anymore. What we do see is people losing their homes and everything in it and needing to find the money to rebuild it if they didn’t have insurance. If they don’t have the money then they have to depend on strangers in shelters to have a place to sleep, or on family members who are barely making it on their own.

Maybe what I remember reminds you of something from “Little House on the Prairie” Well I grew up in small towns like that and I miss it.

 

Video Update

Hello everyone,

So yes I know in my first video I said I was going to try to do a new video at least every month. Boy did that never happen. LOL

Anyway so I made a new one today. I am going to post the first one here as well so you can see the difference.

First Video after T

Second Video after T (two years later)

 

Sorry the second one is like 9 minutes long, but wanted to get in the changes and what not.

Now that you have the update, I wanted to also say I am sorry I have not written in so long. I got into a rut about not writing and it is not good for me. So I am going to try and write more. I want to be able to hone my writing skills so I can get more experience. So if you don’t see anything from me for awhile, throw a rock at me or something.

 

For now, enjoy the videos LOL

 

Storm

The Surprise Factor

A mere 21 years ago I was sitting in my living room very pregnant with my first child. This child was planned, meaning that even though I was identifying as a butch, I had sex with a man I thought was good looking enough to help me make a baby. (ok I realize that may have sounded shallow, but it is the truth) I had no interest in having a relationship with a man, I mean hello did say I was butch. I frankly had to get good and damn drunk before I could do the deed.
So I did the deed, and got physically ill as soon as everything was done. I can say he had a good time, I certainly did not. Thank all the gods that it only took once, or the child probably would not have been. But the gods really wanted me to have a child.
And now… now..21 years later I am sitting here in my living room, it is 2013 just days from Thanksgiving. I am listening to my wife talking to two of our three children and our son-in-law. We have just come in from outside where we all have agreed it is cold.. not too damn cold, but cold enough to wait till noon to do any outside work. Our oldest daughter is sitting on the couch holding Phoenix on her lap who refuses to get inside of the hooded where she normally would go because she doesn’t want to squash the baby…

Oh, did I forget to tell you.. .just like 21 one years ago, I am sitting in the living room waiting for another baby. Our oldest daughter PJ is giving us a grandbaby.
Her due date is January 26th. We are thinking if the baby comes on the 11th it would be a nice present for Maimeó’s (Gaelic for Grandma) birthday.
I sit here and think about when I carried PJ and waited for that day she would finally come. It was exciting and wondrous and I was amazed at the idea of another human being actually growing inside of me and even though I had worries about how I felt about my body and that deep down inside of me I was not a woman, I never worried about the fact that I was giving birth to a child. I felt it was an honor to be able to give life in this way. Yes binary men take part in creating the child as well, and their DNA is what decides the child’s binary gender. However to watch, to feel a child growing inside of you for 40 weeks is amazing. What your body goes through, what your body gives to help in the process of the child forming is simply amazing and I was feeling all of this even though I was sick everyday.. SICK.. Morning sickness had nothing on me. I could not eat meat, I could not see meat, I could not smell meat or I would throw up right there. The only milk I could drink was if you took whole milk and mix it with that nasty powder milk. I was obsessed with any vegetable and any fruit, but they had to be fresh or frozen, if you tried to give me something from a can I turned into Linda Blair from Exorcist spewing and everything.
PJ moved around a lot and I had great nights of putting my hand on my belly and just feeling her get ready for life. Now, I get to put my hand on her belly and start the bonding process with my grandchild.
He is a little stinker though, every time Daideó (Gaelic for Grandpa) puts his hand on the belly he gets still. But I have found out the secret to get him to play with me. I make him biscuits and gravy. Turns out he loves them and he knows who makes them, because after PJ ate them he let me feel him move all day long. I am not sure PJ was happy about that though, but she liked the meal so I will be making her some one morning soon.
Angel and I think she is going to have a boy because she is carrying high, though we can’t get a confirmation on the sonogram because apparently he moves a lot then as well.
Now let me explain something, I am a spiritual person, I don’t usually talk about the details of my faith, but this child is truly a gift and he was meant to be here. He or she is going to do great things.
(Future note to grandbaby, if you turn out to be a girl in any shape or form, forgive me for calling you he, it is better than calling you IT)
PJ and D were vigilant in using protection because they had a plan. PJ was finishing college and D was enrolling into the Air Force before they got settled and started a family. Apparently this baby needed to be here now. I am ok with that, I just want the baby to be healthy and happy and we the grandparents are probably going to spoil him to some degree.
I know that PJ will be reading this blog, so I want to take a moment and make a very public comment to her.

PJ, when I carried you in my body for 40 weeks I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. Giving birth to you was one of the greatest joys of my life and even though we have had some ups and downs we have turned out great on the other end. As I sit here and listen to you and your mom talking about the baby and how your body feels so tired I want to do everything and anything to protect you. Not to take that from D, because I know for a fact that man would move heaven and earth to protect you and the baby. But as your father I would do the same.
Watching you as you talk about your baby as you rub your belly is so amazing. I can now count this event as one of the most amazing things and the greatest joys of my life.
I am so proud of the young woman you have turned into and I know without a doubt that you and D are going to be great parents. I love you

My baby is having a baby. –Happy Sigh

The Fantasia Fair Experience

Imagine stepping into a world where you are welcomed with open arms, 24 hours a day. Imagine that suddenly you have found a family that is larger than you could ever realize. Even if some of the people are not known to you, but because you have shared a wondrous week-long event you are now connected in some small way.
Imagine being able to step into a room and even though you are the minority in that room (one transman to 20 transwomen) there is nothing but warmth and acceptance.
That is my experience; that is what I felt for the week of October 20th-27th of 2013. Never had I felt something this strong before. To be able to walk into a gathering of people who have automatically adopted you as family. Even when I went to family reunions as a child I never felt that sort of warmth and acceptance. There was always something about myself that people did not like. I dressed too masculine, I was not respectful by their standards or I seemed standoffish. People who had been related to me by blood, people who called themselves my family had never treated me as well as these people I met this one week in Provincetown, MA at Fantasia Fair.
A room full of transwomen, and/or cross dressers who turned to look at me and did something amazing… they smiled. They welcomed me with words, with glances, with sometimes shy smiles, and sometimes wide smiles.
My first day there was filled with getting registered, which some I am sure have thought, oh lord registration day is such a chore. Well other than the short panic while trying to find my cell phone it was anything but a chore. The most boring thing I had to do that day was unpack.
That night was a welcoming reception at a place called Saki. Sushi was great there, but what was even better is that here is this shy transman getting ready to sit at this big table alone because frankly he didn’t want to bother the ones who seemed to be the big wigs of Fantasia Fair. Instead I get, “Storm, the secret is … never sit alone” Of which I was quickly transferred over to the table where Miqqi Gilbert and Dainna Cicotello sat where we were joined by Jan Brown and visited by several others. Dainna and I talked most of the night along with Jan and Vanessa Barchfield (NPR reporter doing a piece on Fantasia Fair). By the time I got back to the condo I was wiped out yet excited to see what would happen the rest of the week.
The next morning (Monday) I woke up and even though I was still excited my shyness had come back a bit and I was apprehensive about that morning’s brunch. But after talking to Angel a little bit I finally got dressed and walked down to the Crown & Anchor’s Paramount Room for the brunch.
Imagine walking into a room, in a city where you do not really know anyone attending an event where you are going to be meeting everyone for the first time. The first time! No spouse, partner, not even a friend there that you can make conversation with if the new person you meet is not conversation material. No one to save me, I was on my own on this one. I walked in after giving up my ticket and I looked at all of the round banquet tables set up, trying to count without looking like I am counting and figuring out how many people I was going to be having brunch with. There were a few people around and I kept remembering Miqqi’s words. “The secret is.. Never sit alone”. But I didn’t know anybody who were sat already. Barbara was busy, I didn’t see Dainna, and Miqqi was busy. I am kind of milling around looking at the tables, trying to look like I am making an intelligent decision about this sitting down thing when I hear “This gentlemen looks like he is lost.. I bet he needs to come sit with us” I look over and there are two beautiful women sitting at a table who are now waving me over. Erin Daily and her fiancée Jenna. Imagine you just met someone, imagine that someone makes you feel at home right away. Imagine those new friends within moments of meeting you, invite you to their wedding. Hell, invited everyone attending FF to come to their wedding. How freaking cool is that?
So many things went out during the week I never realized how fast the days were going by. Somehow I was talked into doing the fashion show. I blame Erin for that, I really do. But I have to tell you when she says she has your back and she is not going to let anyone hurt you, she really means it. Though really unless an asshole was able to sneak in I could not imagine anyone there hurting anyone else there, not intentionally anyway. But I am getting ahead of myself
Every day after lunch there was a keynote speaker. All of the keynote speakers were awesome, and you know what I learned, even tho I have done public speaking and I should know better, everyone is human. Even keynote speakers and they are happy to talk with you about things, and are happy to have your company. Two keynote speakers I was able to spend time with that I will forever cherish that time. Erica Anderson and Kristin Beck. I wish I could have spent more time with Yvonne Cook-Riley, I did get to spend some wonderful time with her wife tho “Little Yvonne” LOL..
I had made three plaques for Fantasia Fair. One for Yvonne personally and Tuesday night I was able to watch her be presented with it at the Virginia Prince Transgender Pioneer Award Banquet. It made my heart swell with pride. They hung one on the podium they used for the week and a new friend got the other one in a door prize pull.
Wednesday night was the fashion show, I wondered how it got there so quickly, probably because I was nervous as hell about it. Imagine being one of two transmen in a big dressing room with a bunch of beautiful transwomen and ciswomen. Damn I was nervous and Kristin didn’t help me anyway with the comments she was making about me being a handsome man, and then her showing me her bikini she was wearing. Yeah nervous does not even begin to describe it. But I made through it in one piece, thanks to Erica, Kristin, and Carole.
They tried to talk me into doing the Follies, but I am not that brave nor am I that talented, though they are already working on me to sing for next year’s event.
I was asked several times during my week what I was getting from the event since it seemed as though most of the workshops were geared towards transwomen.
“Yes it is true that most of them are geared towards transwomen, but I still get so much information out of the keynotes and the workshops, because it is information I can take back with me and use it to help others in my community back home. I may not want to put on makeup or even know about how to choose a wig or what hormone is better for transwomen for my own personal use, but when I work with my community I want to know that information for the transwomen I meet who say ‘Help me’. Everyone here has altered their workshop in some small way to accommodate the fact they have a transman sitting in. Even the keynote speakers while giving their presentations will see me and adjust something, or add something to include issues about transmen in their work. And there really are some workshops where it does not matter which gender you are, it fits like Carolyn’s writing workshops and even the voice workshop is helpful to transmen”.
It didn’t matter to me if I was in a room full of transwomen talking about estrogen or waiting for budding breasts to form, or hearing their own personal stories of hardship, pain, disappointment, and even suicide attempts for I have experienced it as well… with some small minor changes. When it comes down to it we all experience much of the same issues. We have days where we want to take a knife to some part of our body that does not fit… we want to scream at the person on the phone who mis-genders us because of the pitch of our voice. We have awkward moments at doctor’s offices, we are ridiculed by family members, society, uneducated parents who try to shield the eyes of their young child for fear we may make them sick. And we have experienced that empty pit in our stomachs when we let our minds dwell on the situation too much. And we have woke up in utter amazement of how we feel after our first dose of testosterone or estrogen. We have stared in amazement at the new budding body parts. We have walked through those feared yet wanting doors of bathrooms with sweaty palms and drumming hearts and…. we have wanted to, or actually did, cry when some stranger called us by the correct gender pronoun with a smile on their face.
Even though I missed my family very much and I missed Angel like a crazed man and was so happy to be home, Sunday was a bitter sweet departure. To step out of that warmth and to go back into the big bad world without the coat of armor of my sisters standing firmly beside me was sad. But as I walked back into my house and into the arms of Angel I knew without a doubt that all of my new Fantasia Fair Family was standing behind me.

To see more information about Fantasia Fair go here…http://www.fantasiafair.org/Default.aspx

My responsibilities

I have to admit that I have let my blog go to hell a little bit over the past few months. I have come in and posted when things change, or when people upset me. Today I have decided that needs to stop.

On Wednesday I went to the VA here in my town and helped them with a presentation about transgender individuals and the LGBT community. I talked with them about the issues transgender people have in our everyday lives and what others can do to help us hurdle those obstacles.

While I was talking, (looking to my notes on occasion) I figured out some things that we as transgender people can do to help others understand us and what we are going through. This is not possible for everyone, but for those of us who love to teach others to better accept differences then it is a must do.

Forgiveness… sometimes people who do not know us well are going to use the wrong pronoun.. especially if we have not had any surgeries or hormones. Some transgender people choose to not undergo surgery, while others absolutely NEED to have those surgeries. I am one of the people that need .. NEED top surgery. But when we are pre-op, or have decided not to have surgeries most people who have not been around us have a hard time converting what they see, and they way they were raised to what we need… I think I forgive people a lot.. and I let a lot of things slide when it comes to myself. I have a friend who was talking about me, introducing me to a group and accidentally said “she”.. she corrected herself right away and went on to what she was saying… Afterwards while we were alone she apologized to me and I said it was ok not to worry about it.. But she was really upset at herself for slipping.. this woman met me after I decided to take the steps to have my outside match my inside.. she has always used male pronouns and I knew it was a honest slip of the tongue. But she was really upset and I found out that day that sometimes I just needed to say I accept your apology and thank you.

Forgiving some other people though is harder to do… My future mother in law has known me for 8 years.. she has known for well over two years about my transition and she still refers to me in female pronouns.. even often times adding.. I am never going to get this right.. For a long time I just smiled and accepted it.. even after Angel and the youngest child would begin to correct her immediately because she never corrects herself. Finally I just had to admit that she does not care enough to make the effort. If Angel and all three of my children can accept it and adapt as easily as they did… (I mean hell the two oldest have known me all their lives) and if strangers can adapt to it.. then why can’t she? It is simple.. she simply does not care enough to make the effort… She is a part of my life and will always be a part of my life and the past two years I have hugged her and told her I loved her while she told me she loved me.. I do love her to a point.. because she is Angel’s mother and she is my children’s Nana.. but I have come to the conclusion that the love is not there on her side.. that she does not appreciate my relationship with Angel or the youngest child. I also honestly believe that she still thinks my relationship with Angel is not going to last.. even after we have been together for 8 years and have a better relationship than most people we know. Can I forgive her? I am not sure I need to forgive her per se.. but I can say that I have gotten over it in the sense of it is just what it is.. I do not expect to ever get the care and support from her that I thought I was going to get.. and I have accepted the fact she will always be in our lives because she is important to Angel and the kids.. and that it is ok if I do not have a wonderful, or even semi nice relationship with her.. as long as I can be civil when I need to be for Angel’s and the youngest’s sake then I am doing ok…

One of the biggest things we as transgender people can do is to educate people who have honest questions.. I don’t mean the type of questions that are just overtly sexual and intrusive.. If we are in the position of educating others on this topic then sometimes we must answer some questions.. I don’t mind being asked most things.. Like about surgeries and whatnot.. I wouldn’t answer questions like.. How do you have sex, or can you choose the size of your penis?

I do answer some of the questions that we have all seen running around the internet.. and yes I realize that some of these questions would never be asked of a non-trans person.. but that is ok because I am not educating about non-trans people.

During this event on Wednesday I told them a little bit about my own story.. it was a short abbreviated story because there is just not enough time to tell it fully at an event like that..

Whenever I have to do a public speech like this I always get nervous right before I have to go up and talk.. and I always write my speech the night before.. and I always.. ALWAYS end up doing a speech that is vastly different than what I have written.. not totally but enough to make me laugh. Besides.. sometimes I think we plan too much.. Sometimes I just have to take the road that is being presented to me.. and I think I just figured out that I read the audience a lot as well. I always try to meet everyone’s eyes.. if I can.. I look for nods.. I look for smiles.. one day I am expecting someone to stand up and shout AMEN!.. LOL

Unfortunately that also means I see the people who get up and leave.. I had a few do that on Wednesday, but I think most of the ones who had to leave did so because of work or something.. I noticed some come in with their lunch.. I was honored to see they chose to spend their lunch break listening to me..

As I said public speaking always makes me really nervous.. I have bad anxiety and most times I would need to take something for it.. it relates to my PTSD… maybe one day I will be rid of it.. but this time I didn’t take anything for it.. I had extreme dry mouth as soon as I stood up but I had some water with me this time.. so I pushed through .. and of course by the time I was done speaking I had sweat dripping out of my hair..

I had such positive feedback afterwards that I was floating on air… just wished it was literally floating on air..

So I have been thinking about doing more speaking engagements and how I can put myself out there to truly educate people. With the help of a close friend I am making a personal professional website for my public speaking and for the books and articles I am going to be writing.. I have put my fiction writing on hold to begin a book on my own journey. I have had enough people tell me I should write about it, I think it is about time I started listening to them.

Now because this is a personal blog there might still be some venting and just talking about regular stuff, so I am going to try and start employing the category option so people can better find what they are looking for.

In the mean time… writing .. writing.. and more writing..

Peace and Love…

 

Ponderings

Since going to see the surgeon I have been thinking about a lot of things.. I know it is going to be a little while yet before I can have the surgery.. I mean raising the money.. and what not is going to be a long hard road.

But I have been thinking about the things that need to be done before hand.. Like getting medical supplies.. bandages, tape, saline, and whatever else she tells us we need. Also will need acidopholis (yeah spelled that wrong) just in case she puts me on an anti-biotic.. I really don’t need to get a yeast infection. LOL.. Then I have been thinking about recovery time.. I get bored easily.. even if I am in pain meds.. and I am sure there will be some sleeping time, but when I am awake I need things to do.. I think for the first couple of days I will be in bed and probably resting, but when I wake I have some crossword puzzles and a small electronic poker game that humors me for a bit.. I also have my tablet, which I am hoping will work right for me. I can read as well.. that will be good.. goddess knows we have a lot of books around here.. not to mention what I can read on my tablet.

Then when I am able to get up and move around some we have a very comfortable double reclining love seat.. it does not sink down deep so it should be good for me to get up and down out of it without too much problem.

If any of you have read my earlier posts you know I have a small dog, jack russell and she loves to sit on me, attack my face and lick me to death… .. First thing we thought of when the Dr. was telling us about my chest recovery was we are going to have to figure out how to keep her from jumping on my chest.. especially the first month. She already told me that I will not be able to lift more than 5 pounds for the first month.. so that means I cannot lift her up.. or the damn cats.. we have catlike horses lol..

So between her and the alpha male cat I am going to have to keep guard from them two.. cus whenever I am hurting.. the cat (lil man) thinks he has to lay on it and make it better… and Phoenix (the dog) thinks she has to lick it better. Both very loving and caring animals.. both very protective of their people.. and both don’t know the meaning of no.. lol.

So when her assistant was showing us some before and after pictures I noticed one guy who had worked out a lot and how it helped when he had his surgery. As I was saying last night I am going to try and workout my upper body, but my neck needs to be looked at first.. a friend of mine who read about it told me to come and let her check it out.. She is a chiropractor so we will see what she can see.

If it can work out that I do not need surgery on my neck I will be very happy and I will start working out as soon as I can. Right now I am just using the rubber bands that the physical therapist gave us, they seem to be working ok.

Today Angel and I cleaned out our closets and  found a lot of stuff to donate. Some we are keeping back to give to a friend of ours who is moving out this way. But a lot of it was stuff we are just donating to some clothes places

I got rid of a lot of stuff.. I was reading a blog from Squirrelly Writer about letting go and it got me thinking about some of the things I have had for almost three years. My mother passed away September 11th, 2010 and I still have a lot of the things from her funeral that I just threw in my drawers. Well the same thing happened when we moved in the new house.. it went into a drawer.. until today.

Today I cleaned out drawers, reorganized and got rid of things I just did not need, or was time to move on. Like broken watches that I will never buy new batteries for.. napkins, pictures of people we do not like nor associate with.. just things like that. I gave some of the stuff that my youngest daughter would like to her. Little girly things.. better for her to use them than for them to sit in my drawers collecting dust and taking up room. In the process I found some of my blades I was unsure were still around.

I am still missing some of those, but I think we might find them in the shop when we get out there to put my man cave together.

Who has a man cave? Anybody following me have a man cave?

Angel says that the enclosed carport (shop) is going to be my man cave and no one is going to use it for the storage area anymore. I can hardly wait. I even bought my son’s little fridge from him so I can keep my beer and whatever else I want out there.

I have to see if I can reroute the dryer vent though.. it blows right into the shop and makes it even hotter in there during the summer. But, it is going to be wonderful in the winter time. Well except for the dryer lint Lmao..

Angel is going to help me organize, get rid of and design the setup in there….She is better at it than me any way. It is going to have a TV with my playstation 2 setup in there.. a DVD player.. and lets not forget the fridge lol.. then my big metal desk from the army to do my designs on and what not.. then we have to figure out seating..it will possibly have a small bar in there too.. depends on how much room I got. I have plenty of shelving though which is good.. and the utility closet. My tools will be available, but not in plain sight. It is going to be epic..

I have been trying to figure out how I want to decorate it.. I really like model cars.. gotta put that mustang together.. and I had some others but I think they may have gotten messed up with the move. I have a ton of matchbox cars and of course my football stuff.. so I think sports and cars and trucks will be my mojo.. lol.. again we will see. I will share pictures when I get it done..

I am waiting to see if I hear from Dr. Holt this week on my T levels.. at this rate I am just ready to start taking the shots. the patches seem to be getting worse to deal with everyday. I ended up getting a terrible burn/rash thing on my thigh because one day it was on too long. It actually broke the skin to wear I had to use antibiotic ointment on a bandage and tape it over. It is looking better today, but it has been three days. So yeah, kind of looking forward to the shots.. can you believe it.. this needle phobic man longing for shots?

We will see I guess.

Has anybody else ever used the patches?… shots? what was your experience?

 

Ok, I am done typing for now.. I think I have another poem forming in my head.. don’t forget to follow that blog as well..

Writings of a Mad Transman

 

Peace

Storm

Update…

Hello everyone,

So Angel and I went to go see the surgeon who is going to do my top surgery.  We found out that it is going to be cheaper than we had thought it was going to be by about 1500$ So we are pretty excited about that.

We have been racking our brains on how to raise the money. Along with the go fund me account we have going, we are going to get back into doing our arts and crafts thing we do. Her with making jewelry and me with the wood burnings and etching.

We will see how it works out. I am hoping it happens.. If things go the way Angel thinks they will go then we are hoping to do my surgery right after Christmas. We want to do it while it is cold outside so that I am not dying of heat stroke with the compression vest on. I get testy as it is when it is hot, so I don’t need the extra padding.

We saw some before and after pictures of some of the other guys she has done and they look great so I think I am going to be really happy with it.

So I have been taking T for over a year now .. yeah I have not done the video yet because my house has been too busy to find a quiet time or space to do it.. and I can’t do things like that when other people are around.. so patience and I will have it as soon as I can.

Perhaps….

it is interesting how a person changes over the years.. I found a file on my computer from an online blog I kept about 10 years ago.. man let me tell you I had a good laugh.. I was very angry all the time.. or I was very stupid in some of the people I trusted.. of course you could not tell me that then.. I guess we all have to learn and I certainly did..

I keep dreaming about having my real chest.. I look down and there are no large ugly lumps there.. and hey guess what.. having huge DDD lumps might be to my advantage this time around.. we noticed that some of the guys she worked on who were bigger like me actually had enough to work with so that their pecs were built up.. it also helped that they worked out some as well..

I am going to be working on my upper body alot.. I want to help her out as much as possible, not to mention myself as well.. I have to wait until I get an MRI though..

There is something wrong with my neck and they are not sure what it is yet…I am waiting on getting an MRI and to see a neurologist I have been told by the PT people that I need to just sit and do nothing.. no lifting.. no reaching.. nothing .. they are afraid I will mess something up if I turn the wrong way or something.. Which I am kinda pissy about, but yet kinda listening to them because if I turn my head to the left or right.. or even up or down I get dizzy.. if I drive too much.. both shoulders tie up and my neck sends shooting pains into my head.. they think it is a nerve pinching.. and my medical doctor is afraid they will have to cut on my neck.. I am hoping not.. the next surgery I care for is my top surgery.. oh yeah and to get my ovaries out… I really really really do not want them cutting on my neck. Really.

Well it has been a long day.. driving around to flea markets and yard sales and I am beat.. and yep the neck, shoulders and head are hurting so I am headed off of here and into bed.

I hope all of my friends out in the blog world are doing good…

Question to all my transmen who have had top surgery… What was the worst fear you had before going into surgery.. did it happen or not.. why? Also what was the worst part about recovery?…. Thanks all

Cheers

Storm

I am sorry…

.. that is has been so long since I updated in here.. I have been super busy with a lot of things going on and well that is a reason but in my heart I think that because someone said something to me that hurt my feelings a little bit it kept me from posting in here…

I know that I need to have a tougher skin and that people’s opinions or misinformation should not bother me so much, but it does.. I however, need to deal with it in a timely manner and then move on.. so this is me moving on…

So I had my birthday.. I turned 44 this year and it was a slammin’ birthday.. My wife and my sister worked hard all day long to throw me a birthday party like none before.. We had a cook out and some of my favorite people of all time came to help me celebrate it. It was great!

Then we had the St. Baldrick’s event and raised over $1200 dollars to help find cures for children’s cancer. I shaved my head again, but not only that our youngest daughter who is 11 cut her hair.. (it was over 2 feet long) she donated it to Locks of Love and then she shaved her head.. My god she is a beautiful girl .. and she is so damn brave.. She has been getting hassled at school because she told them all what she was going to do. One kid even bet her five dollars that she would not do it.. oh little did they know that just made her even more determined to do it.. And my beautiful wife.. bless her heart and soul, there is no wonder why I love her so much.. because our daughter was nervous and to help her feel better about it Angel told her that if she did it, she would do it as well. For support.. and guess what.. My beautiful love donated hair and shaved her head as well.. and if I could not be more proud of the females in my life.. my lil sister who has long long black hair.. cut off 10 inches to donate to locks of love as well.. cutting even an inch is a hardship for her so this was epic. Even though we had only a few people there to shave their heads it was a wonderful event and successful in the terms of money raised.. A pastor friend of mine shaved his head and then because he raised enough money did Sunday service in drag.. he looked really good actually lol.. and we met a young man that did the shaving head thing for the first time and raised over 400 dollars.. wow..

I am doing a discrimination project about the discrimination we face in our own lgbt community I first said discrimination all over, but I was made aware of a group that is just too horrible to talk about again right now.. anyway I am now focusing my project of discrimination within the community.. a community that has been discriminated against and should now better..

Speaking of discrimination.. I have had a situation that has begun to annoy me to no end.. My mother in law.. has known me for 8 years and has known along with everyone else about my transitioning.. and she still refers to me in the female pronouns.. thank all the gods she does not call me by the name I was given at birth because frankly I think I would lose my shit in so many ways as to never be repairable.. but anyway.. it bothers me and even though my family constantly reminds her.. she still does it.. and always says oh I am sorry I am trying really.. but it is always said in a way that is not sincere besides if she was sincere she would not keep doing it…. add this onto some other shit she does and I went off on her.. in defense of our youngest child.. and now she is not welcomed back here for a bit. I know she hurts Angel and she hurts our children’s feelings.. sometimes I just don’t know what to do.. but to limit her access to us here at the house.

Anyway.. so what else has happened.. We had mother’s day.. that was good.. I actually had to give Angel something other than roses this year because well someone else already got them for her.. but that is ok because I was able to go and get her the Gazebo Bird Feeder she wanted… so now we have two of them in the fairy garden.. Hell have I talked about the new house and the yard here yet? I am not sure.. ok I will try not to go so long without posting again…

I will go back and check to see what I have talked about lol.. and if not I will update on that and what else we are doing..

I feel like there was something I was going to talk about specifically and cannot remember now..

Oh hell…

May 25th will be my one year anniversary of being on T… awesome!!!I am going to talk about that more later.. oh and I have a consult with the surgeon I want to do my top surgery… again more on that later ..