A few things ***Important news here***

Ok so there are a few things I want to discuss here today.

One is a recent article a friend sent me about a transman in NYC who is a teacher. It was a great article. In it he mentioned that his foot size went up. I thought.. hmm I hope my feet don’t get any bigger. I mean I wear a size 9-10 in men’s shoes already, depending on the type of shoe.

With that in mind I went to put on my cowboy boots which have not been worn in a while. And they do not fit.. I mean when I finally did get them on it was hell to get them off and my foot felt like it was being squeezed to death. They were not ever that tight before, so I guess my foot size went up.

Second, I have been trying to think of ways to raise money for my top surgery. Well I have not figured that out yet, plus I have a hard time asking people to fund something that is so personal to me as my top surgery.

However I am not above asking for money for a good cause. I am not sure how far back in my blog some of you have read. However, one of my first posts on here was about going to an St. Baldrick’s event. Go here to see what they are about..www.stbaldricks.org

They are an organization who raises money to help find cures for children’s cancer. When I found it last year I signed up right away and got my head shaved. I had raise about $75 that year.

This year I decided I was going to host an event closer to home. So on April 27th 2013 I am going to be hosting our own St. Baldrick’s event where I will again be shaving my head. So will J, who has long beautiful hair, and because she is doing it so will Angel.. and I love her hair.

But we believe in this cause so much that we started to think about other ways we could raise money to give to this organization.

So, this is what I am going to do. If I raise $100 I will dress in drag and post pictures online. If I raise $200 I will dress in drag and wear it to the day of the event.. so I will be hosting the event all day in Drag.. we are talking full scale.. makeup, dress, hair.. the works.

So I am putting it out here for all to see.. and asking you all to donate to this wonderful cause.. we need to help these children to live a better life and cure these awful cancers..

To sponsor me in getting my head shaved and to see me in drag please click .. Shave Storm’s Drag Head

If I get enough money raised I will be posting the pictures and any video we can get of this adventure.

 

Talking to my dog…

…apparently is a reason for PJ to worry about me.

So Angel and my sister Tonia have been working long long shifts at Edible Arrangements because Valentines day is their busiest time of the year. So since Tuesday they have worked long hours. This means I am home alone for the majority of the day. Well besides the animals we have.. 4 cats and two small dogs. (we adopted our friend’s dog who moved out of state)

So the event that happened yesterday is why I titled this as such.

I was doing laundry and had clothes put in the dryer ready to be.. well dried.. I close the door and the damn screen is not lighting up like it usually does. Well this is strange. so I check the plug, yep plugged in.. I try to get it to start again.. nothing..

“What the hell is going on with the dryer” I ask.. apparently my dog Phoenix. She didn’t answer me.. really I mean .. she had nothing for me.

So after going to the breaker box.. which let me tell you should be an Olympic event in my house.. Said breaker box is in the utility room which is technically outside off of my shop.. which is still filled with crap that has no home yet because I don’t have the storage to put said crap in so that I actually have a shop. So as I crawl over office chairs and totes with decorations in I am muttering and cursing. Still Phoenix has nothing for me..

I get into the utility room only to find it was total darkness. See last time I was in there when I turned on the light by pulling the damn string, well .. the string broke.. so I just left the light on because I could not reach the chain to do anything else. Well apparently the damn light is out now so I have to make my way back to the house to get a damn flashlight.. does this happen to anyone else besides me.. Oh and again Phoenix was no help in getting the flash light for me. … gonna have to train her better.

So with flashlight in hand I again trek over mountains of shit to get back to the box.. where I find a 220 breaker in the off position.. I turn it on and take that awful journey back to the house.. where the dryer.. is still not working..

Then I notice the light is on inside of the dryer when I open the door. Was that on before? She has nothing for me… talk about rude.. anyway it doesn’t matter because the damn dryer is still not working.. so in a fit of frustration I raise my hands and hit the damn thing.. jostling it an iota in one direction which turns it on…

What…. the…fuck?

Who cares the damn thing is working and my wife has clean clothes for the next day.

So, then I begin to ask Phoenix why she didn’t just tell me I needed to move the damn thing a little.. really this girl is shy.. she tilts her head at me and does her best beg pose.. I give her a piece of popcorn…

Men, well transmen should not be left alone to their own devices.. because apparently according to PJ I should never get a Parrot or put cameras in the house because I would get locked up. I think I would make millions on a video of a transman talking to his lap puppy while trying to get the damn dryer to work.. what do you think?

I talked to my mother in law yesterday as well. I rarely have long conversations with her because she does not like most things that come out of my mouth. But on the occasion she asks me for help and I give her advice.. not that she always takes it, but she does ask me for advice about her guy sometimes.. again not that she always takes it..

So anyway she is talking to me on the phone.. I am helping her with finding a check from 2010 that would prove she paid some extra money towards buying her house.. so as I am searching on her account she asked me what I was doing when she called.. I tell her.. laundry.. she says..

D: Oh you were doing the laundry huh.. oh wait.. with them being gone all day you have to do the cleaning and cooking huh

Me: yeah… be pretty bad of me to have them come home to a dirty house and no food on the table .. kid has to eat too..

D: oh that is a lot of responsibility .. are you ok? do you need help?

Me: Umm mom.. I did live by myself with two little kids for a long time before Angel came along.. and they survived rather nicely yanno.. house even stood up on its own..

D: oh.. yeah .. -lil chuckle-

It amazes me how people think I am some helpless man who can’t get along without his wife.

I do cook, I do clean.. I don’t necessarily have to, because Angel and Tonia usually are on top of it while I do the whole man fix thing..

but I do cook and I cook rather well actually.. I hate dishes though.. hate them hate them.. it is like some kind of trigger for me.. but hey I am not going to let my wife come home to a sink full of dishes after she has been working damn near twelve hours a day. Nope

Today is Valentine’s Day.. We won’t be able to do anything with each other.. Angel is dead on her feet.. and she just said to me.. I wish we could do something today.. I told her that we would have our own little day next week. Besides Valentines stuff will be on clearance then LMAO.. Actually I won’t get her anything like that.. I usually get her a plant or another rose bush. And I usually get a sappy card that describes us to a T because we are so sickenin’

Damn I love that woman!

Hope you all have a lovely day!!

Happy Anniversary Angel!

Well this post is actually late, because our anniversary was on Feb. 8th. We have been together for 8 years now. This is the longest relationship I ever had. The same goes for her. I know without a doubt that we will be together for as long as we are breathing. I don’t even have an inkling of a doubt.

I know some of you may be out there snickering thinking to yourself “everyone says that” You are right, we say that a lot to ourselves over the years. Oh this is the love of my life, I will never leave so and so… then months, perhaps even days later the relationship has ended. That is because we lie to ourselves. We forget there are major things we do not like about the person we are with, but oh we can either change them, or we will get use to it because we just love them sooooo much. Or even worse there are things we do not like about ourselves and we destroy the relationship with our petty arguments because we are not comfortable with ourselves.

I did that a lot. For years I tried being something I wasn’t. Which is kind of weird because I claimed I was being the real me when I came out as being gay. I am who I am live with it! I never cheated on any of my relationships even though I had a habit of falling in love with other people. I just never acted on it, and I often thought to myself, why in the hell am I in a relationship if I keep wanting to try on someone else, even though I never stopped loving the person I was with at the time. So I started to research my feelings, especially after I was involved with a woman who felt it was better to beat on me to keep me than to love me.

I spent a couple of years by myself until I met a woman online who seemed to understand me. I told her about the fact that I was now being honest with myself and with others who might want to be in a relationship with me. My falling in love with more than one person made me polyamourous. She needed to accept this about me in order for us to have a relationship. She assured me she did accept it and she would have no problem with it. Though I felt that I was poly I didn’t really think I would have another sexual relationship with someone while I was with one person. But just acknowledging it about myself made me feel better. Eventually this woman and I moved in together and I felt as though I would be with her forever because I was finally honest with myself about who I was and what I needed from someone else. But see, I wasn’t fully honest with myself yet. I had feelings, I had urges inside of me that just refused to be kept in the dark any longer no matter how much I tried to push them down.

Finally I started talking to her about how I didn’t feel like a woman, in fact whenever someone called me Ma’am, or woman I would get sick to my stomach. I had this open pit inside of me that nothing could fill… no matter what I did. I thought perhaps if I went into my spirituality more that I would find something. It helped some, but still I was not me so the pit stayed unfilled.

I tried to talk to the woman I was with about how I felt, and that I believed I was really suppose to have been born a man. This shell on me was not me.. I needed to do something to change things. At first she helped me a lot.. she helped me to make what we called a softie… basically this was a homemade soft penis and testicles to wear in my boxers to help me feel more like me. It really didn’t work, mostly because it fell out of my boxers too much to be bothered with it. I could have bought one online. I had lots of places to do so, but I could not feel comfortable with buying it. I had tried to pursue this idea more, but I started to feel the woman pull away from me when she realized I didn’t just want this in the bedroom, but it was for real.

Then I met Angel.

I had to get help from the state for my children and of course they ask you about the natural fathers so it turned out that I had to have a paternity test done for my oldest. This led to her sperm donor to contact me. After talking to the oldest we called him. We found out that our oldest had a sister. (PJ & J) He was also with the mother of PJ’s sister. Her name was Angel. The next time I called to talk to him about his plans to come see PJ, Angel answered the phone. He wasn’t home, but Angel and I talked on the phone for hours… HOURS… and Angel did not like talking on the phone. It got to the point that I talked to Angel more than anyone else. We met online to talk some more.. when she went to work she would call me on her lunch break. I introduced her to the woman I was with and they became friends. I knew I was in trouble though. I was falling in love with this woman.. a woman who was states and states away from me.

Angel told the sperm donor to take a hike.. he is an asshole from hell anyway…

He never came to see PJ, but Angel and J came up in the beginning of February of 2005 for PJ’s and Danny’s birthday (3rd&6th)

As soon as I saw her at the airport I knew my heart was taken.

I am not going to go through the whole scene of how things happened and I am not going to put down the woman I was with because she was wonderful. But not only was I not honest with myself about who I was, and what I was… she was not honest with herself about what she could give and what she could accept in life. That is ok. We are both better off just being friends.

Angel knew who I was, she was the only one who knew the full extent of it. I was really a man.. this shell does not portray who I am.. and she saw past the shell I wear.

She loves me for who I am.. a Brute… a Man.. a redneck at times (love my duct tape)

We didn’t get to move in together until October of 2006.

She is the best mother my kids have ever had. She is the best person for me. I love her with all my life. I can count the fights we have had in the past 8 years on one hand. She helped me be comfortable with who I am helped me to take that first step on my journey.

Angel love, you are my life, my one.. my heart and soul and I am the luckiest man in the world.

That pit?… does not exist anymore.

Crawling out of the Funk…

… can be a very hard thing to do.

I don’t know what is wrong with me really. I have not written on here with any regularity and that is not good. I promised myself that I would not just drop off the face of the earth when it comes to my writing especially here. Yet my usual writing enthusiasm has dwindled down to nothing.

I have been quite content with getting up and doing much of nothing. Perhaps it is because I sit here and look at all the things that need to be done. Yet certain things stop me from doing them. My back hurts, my neck hurts, my knees hurt.. it causes me to be laid up when I do something wrong to one part or another of my body and that just pisses me off. Not that I do not want to do these things that must be done outside, but I don’t want to usual outcome of it.

I went and saw Dr. Holt the other day and she increased my T, so now I wear two patches. Finding places to rotate them has been interesting, but I think I have it down now. I was talking to her about being more active and since my knees are bad I thought about doing something like chair aerobics except in this case it would be to Dance Central on the kinect and she told me that would be great. Yet I have not done it yet. I need to..

The other day I was sitting and looking around the living room, that is coming along nicely except we have not painted yet, and I just felt this overwhelming need to write. Put fingers to keys, in this case, and just write whatever comes to mind. But I didn’t do it. I let the moment go and my sheer laziness won out over the need to write.

I have rarely been on my computer for anything in the past month. If I can stay away from it I am perfectly happy. I don’t even get on Facebook that much anymore.. but I need to.. I network there… I communicate with our daughter at college there and hell I am still the President of the Alliance so yeah, doing something is necessary in that case.

So for the past two days I have actually gotten on the computer and did stuff..

I was asked to speak at the United Unitarian service again. I do believe I set for March 10th to speak. I have been going over in my mind what I want to talk about and how I can bring a message and information to the people. I have been wanting to do more talks about being transgender and how I feel sometimes in this community… The people I work with, the people I meet everyday and how the community eats at itself from the inside out. I am not sure how I am going to go about that yet, but I am working on it.

I want to be personal without being overly personal, you know what I mean?

So since I am here let me up date you on some things.. like I said my T has been raised.. my face itches more now… I need to shave more often but I think only because I want it to grow in thicker and darker.. I actually have a full face of peach fuzz.. and the hair on my lip tickles Angel’s mouth when she kisses me so that is nice.. lol.. sometimes lol..

Angel and I have been talking about our future.. focusing actually on making sure everyone is protected in case something were to ever happen to one or both of us.

I never really saw myself has having much in the way of valuable items, but over the course of the past year or two I realize where as I don’t think they are valuable as far as money they are valuable to our kids. And now that we are buying a house and have a house full of furniture, well there is more to think about.

So we have started looking into life insurance, and where J would go if something happened to us before she was old enough to take care of herself. You know that is not something one talks about with a potential partner on the first date and it was not something we really talked about in our 8 years together. It is amazing how we both had the same ideas about what we would like. Right down to the fact that we both want to be cremated. Though we both knew that ages ago.

So since this is my blog and I can do with it what I wish.. I am gonna show you some pics of our decor in the rooms of our house .. YAY!!!

Angel is doing the Tuscany theme in the kitchen. That light was given to us by our friends.

The living room is a woodsy earthy feel but with blades LOL.. We have mostly our Indian items and Wolves in here .. marked sharply by my collection of different blades.. these are just two of them.. I have many many more..

 

 

The Bedroom and our private batch is marked in reds and blacks we have an Asian theme kicking in there..

 

Well that is it for now as I was going through taking pictures I found something else I need to do.. go through all my old pictures and look for my Grams… Have a good one ya’ll