Name Change

Everyone who knows me, well those who really know me, knows I am transgender. They also have known me as Storm M. Silvermane for years. Except most of my doctors. The office of my heart doctor knows I am FTM and certain nurses in there call me Storm, most call me by my birth name though. My family doctor knows I am FTM, calls me Storm, and even refers to me as the father of our children, yet his nurse still calls me by my birth name or sweetie.

Most of my family calls me Storm and has accepted who I am, then there are others who are not close to me, or who use to be (or so I thought) that totally deny who I am and refuse to accept me. They are not important in my life now either. If they cannot accept me for who I am, and call me by my chosen name, then they do not deserve a place in my life.

For years I had put off changing my name officially for various reasons. I always thought I could better apply the money in another area rather than spend that much on myself. A friend of mine even gave me some money for Winter Solstice to get it done one year and of course a bill came up that I applied it to instead. And for years I complained and whined anytime someone called me by my birth name, or I had to sign something in that name. It was killing me to look at my bills, my DL, my insurance card, my BC, my SSC, anything that had my birth name on it. But now I can get married to Angel officially, and I am tired of reading that birth name. I am tired of people acting confused on the phone when I say that name in this deeper voice. I am tired of being one thing to their eyes and other another thing to their brain when they read they name. I am tired of having to deal with events where I give Storm as my name and I have no ID to show them.

Monday I am able to go down to the court house and post my intent to change my name on the board, where it will wait for 10 business days (really folks it is two weeks) and then take in all of my paperwork and have my name officially changed. Of course with the money. Can’t forget the money.

Then I get to start the joyous adventure of changing all my stuff over to my REAL NAME. Bills, certificates, degrees, ID, DL, SSC, BC.. and on and on and on.. and you know what.. it is going to be a big pain in the ass.. and you know what else.. I don’t care. I will be so damn happy.

LLAP

Transgender Day of Remembrance

I know I am a bit late on this, and yes I know I have not blogged in a long time. Which is awful since I am often giving tips on blogging, and I never seem to be able to keep to the schedule I set for myself. I need to get better at this. I keep saying that too, anyway I digress.

So Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Fayetteville, NC had me back to speak to their congregation. This time in honor of all transgender individuals who were killed in the past year.

I was there on the last day of November to speak to them about the dangers transgender people face every day. Regardless of where one fits under that umbrella there are dangers if others who are not accepting know about it.  I always write a small speech and I always stop following it about a minute into it. I have come to realize that I watch my audience and I watch what they are really listening to, I see what affects them most and I steer my talk in that direction. Because I really want them to understand what is going on in the world they are not always a part of . I want people to understand that their world will eventually mingle in with my world, like it did that day. I want to teach people how to interact with others without causing issues or hurting other people’s feelings. I also want to teach us.. I want to teach us that not everyone is going to learn at the same pace. Not everyone is going to know what to do, or say, or how to act right away. I want to teach patience to everyone, including myself (and I have very little patience most times). But I also want others to know that there is a cutoff point. There is a time in that learning where you should have it.. You should understand, or perhaps understand is not the right word. You should know enough to know that what you are doing, or refuse to do is hurting another human being.

I know someone who uses the “N” word all the time. She is white and she uses it with African American friends as though it is ok for her to do it. She used to be married to an African American male and feels it is ok for her to use the word. Those friends don’t like it, they have told her they don’t like it, they don’t like it when even people of their own race use it. Yet, she uses it and feels they should accept her using it because of when she was raised and her former marriage. It is a word that hurts a person and regardless of when you were raised or who you married, it is still an offensive word.

I know people who still refer to me with female pronouns, and they know better. I know people who I am related to who have said. I am not going to see you as male, you are a female and you will always be a female. Or give me that whole “You have to understand I met you as female, I just can’t see you as male now” “Or I have always called you “My birth name” I can’t just call you something else now. Or just plain refuse to even try. Or, “I am trying, I really am” and years down the road are still doing the same thing.

That may not seem like a danger we face to some people I am sure. But it is. It is hurtful, just as much as bullying is. To me personally, and maybe you think I am oversensitive and that is ok if you want to think that, it hurts and it is quite frankly a pain in the ass, especially if I am with a group of people who don’t all know I am a transman. People give you looks, wondering what is the deal, why is this person calling you she or her. And I would say my thoughts could be construed as paranoia if it wasn’t for all the people being killed in brutal ways, but then I start to think. Who here is getting it, who here is not liking it, who here is going to be a physical threat to me. Or better yet, who here is going to try and slander my name throughout the business world and destroy my chance at doing business in this town.  Who is going to hurt my family because I am a transman? Granted I have kids with some very thick skins and they have managed to teach a few people some things, for that I am so very grateful for. And I have a wonderful wife who has the thickest skin of all and can cut someone in half with her sharp tongue. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish they didn’t have to go through any of that.

I have tried to kill myself in the past. 5 times actually. I tried pills, I tried putting myself in stupid situations that should have killed me. I didn’t care about living anymore if all I did was hurt. Sometimes I still think about hurting myself, but not in ways of wanting to kill myself. I have a great family, my wife and kids love me to pieces and I do have a few friends who love me as well. I don’t want to end my life, but I do want to end this living in a female body. I wake up and want to take a blade to my own chest to remove the breasts that DO NOT belong there. Sometimes the hurt from the words thrown at me, the hurt I feel when I look in the mirror, the hurt I feel when I am forced to take care of the damn things, just makes me want to take the blade and cut away. But I don’t for several reasons. One, well yeah I would be put in an institution for being crazy, though sometimes it does not look crazy to me, when it actually is. Two, the pain would probably knock me out quick enough to not get it done right. Three, I am not looking to be classified as mental. Four, I know, that this too shall pass and that I am working on getting it done the right way.

But that is me, that is not always true for others. We go through enough shit from our own minds, heart and fears. We don’t need it from others. And sometimes there are some of us who don’t make it past this pain and either take our own lives, or put our selves in the position for someone else to take our life. Or we just plain get beaten to death, dismembered, shot, raped.

This year for some reason was particularly hard on me for TDOR. I read about an 8 year old child, who was born into a male body, who liked his hair long, who liked female clothing, and liked to dance. He was killed… beaten to death… by his father. His father! The man that was supposed to protect him, love him, and show him how to be a loving human being decided his 8 year old child needed to die, by beating him to death.

Picture an 8 year old child.  Go ahead.. I will wait.

Can you see one?

I so want to scream right now. I really just want to grab people and shake them senseless. WHY!?!?! Why do people think that it is ok to kill someone just because they have figured out that they are not the gender the body they were born into shows? Why do people think it is ok to beat someone to death because of this? Why do people think it is ok to beat an 8 year old child to death because you think they might be transgender because they don’t want short hair, or they want female clothing or to dance.

This blog is starting to become a rant, and I am ok with that, because I feel right now that society needs more rants. Because it does not seem to be getting through people’s heads about the real truth of right and wrong. For years and even in some states homosexuals, and pre-op transsexuals who were viewed as being in a homosexual relationship could not, cannot, get married. Good hardworking, religious, spiritual people could not get married because society at one point in time said. It is a perversion and they are all going to hell. Yet, Charles Manson, a murderer who was sentenced to death (later to life imprisonment because of the abolishment of the death penalty in California) is able to get married (his third) while in prison. And frankly that ticks me off. Isn’t he and many others like him leading the way to hell?

And let me add something else because it was just dawned on me. While these people who have killed others brutally and in the most heinous ways have gotten saved from death because of the abolishment of the death penalty, there are innocent 8 year olds being BEATEN to DEATH by their PARENTS for just being something other than their bodies portray them to be.

Educate… Speak Up… Stand Up… Change the world where people who are kind, good, loyal, loving and trying to help others are valued regardless of their gender identity, or expression, sexual preference, gender, race, creed, ability, or any other prejudice hateful people can come up with.

 

 

The New Improved Me

Before I get on with my post for today let me explain something. I changed my blog name to Clawing Out of My Skin because I see myself shedding the old skin of what people saw me as and becoming this new me. This is partly because of my transitioning, but it also has to do with the self-improvement I have been doing lately. So, this blog is going to cover both of those things from now on.  I was looking for a picture to portray what I am feeling like right now and I couldn’t come up with one, so a friend of mine (thank you autumn) helped me by remembering the scene in Total Recall

Arnold S. as Storm being born.

 

I was thinking about life today as I sat and attempted to write this blog post. See lately I have wondered what to talk about here. Transitioning is what lead me to start blogging on this particular site, but after a while I just got tired of spewing the same things about what I want to be, how I want to look, how the progress was coming along and everything we always read and say as we are going. Now many of the transgender people I follow on here are very witty and make things fascinating for me to read. (Thank you for that), but sometimes when I am writing about something about myself I just can’t put that witty spin on it.

Like the reality of my life is, rather was, just too boring for me to do much with in the sense of attracting people to my blog. Though I have lots of new friends because of this blog and I don’t really have a boring life. Most of this is coming from a sense of not being good enough and I recognize that in order to be able to chance things.

So as I am sitting here thinking “What could I possibly say today that will interest anyone?” I got a song from Prince in my head. Mostly one line, which held my thoughts. “Electric word life”

What an amazing line, not to mention so very true!

I want to share just a little bit of the song with you.

 

Dearly beloved

We are gathered here today

2 get through this thing called life

 

Electric word life

It means forever and that’s a mighty long time

But I’m here 2 tell u

There’s something else

The afterworld

 

A world of never ending happiness

U can always see the sun, day or night

 

So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills

U know the one – Dr Everything’ll Be Alright

Instead of asking him how much of your time is left

Ask him how much of your mind, baby

 

‘Cuz in this life

Things are much harder than in the afterworld

In this life

You’re on your own…

 

We’re all excited

But we don’t know why

Maybe it’s cuz

We’re all gonna die

 

And when we do (When we do)

What’s it all 4 (What’s it all 4)

U better live now

Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door

 

“Ok Storm, so what are you saying?”

Well it hit me that we all live our lives for the next payday, the next big thing, the next best time of our lives. Yet, we never enjoy the journey to that next thing. We never realize that our lives are not made up of just that “Big thing” that happened in our lives. Have you heard people say, “it was the best day of my life”

Well, I think that is a little sad, don’t get me wrong I say it too, and probably will again. But I want to say that I woke up this morning curled up to Angel’s back and it was the best feeling ever. I got to drive with her through the country side to get to work, and it was the best feeling ever. I was able to talk to a friend of mine on line that I have not talked to in a while, and it was the best feeling ever. I am breathing in and out, I have food for my stomach, I have happiness, and wellness. I have life all around me and it is the best feeling ever. Yes, I know, there are going to be days that have bad feelings, and bad moments, and yes I am going to not like them, but the point is, I am alive to feel the bad as well as the good.

I hate my chest, I hate waking up and seeing the mound of excessive flesh there (women call them breasts, I call them tumors on me, not women) I have a huge amount of dysphoria there, but I have to see past that, I have to see that under that is a heart that is beating. A heart that keeps me alive and lets me enjoy all this good.

 

Life for me these days has been entertaining, educating, and enlightening. I want to live every breath of life and I am going to enjoy every wonderful thing that happens to me on this journey, and I am going to forgive any unpleasant things along the way.

Some changes

Ok everyone, so I have made some changes. Since I am really trying to get my writing career up off the ground I made some changes around this blog and my writing blog. I have changed the name of this one to Clawing into My Skin, frankly because that is how it feels at times… and Shadows of My Mind is changed to Storm M. Silvermane.

I also changed the url of both. So if you by any chance have these bookmarked you might need to make the changes to them.

I will be writing a new blog here soon, just wanted to put this here for the moment so that you would not be confused when you saw the new name.

Storm

The Old and The New

Lately I have come to appreciate older things. Things that remind me of days gone by. Old songs on the radio, antique items, and small towns. Even seeing older programs I remember watching with my Grams when I was a kid. Like Gun Smoke, Bonanza and Big Valley and let’s not forget the Lawrence Welk Show with his bubbles at the end. And thanks to Netflix I can watch some of these older shows anytime I want to, or at least when Angel is not watching TV with me –chuckles-.

Yesterday we were driving up 401 on our way to Fuguay-Varina as she is starting a new job that will have us up here for a few days a week while she works and I get our business going. 401 takes us through some small towns and a lot of countryside and I like that best for the drive. Driving through a small blink of an eye town that is still sporting an old building or two on the side of the road. Some being used, some not able to be used for the sheer safety of it. Those buildings make me sad. It often reminds me of people in nursing homes, left and forgotten by the younger generation as the world progresses and new technology comes out.

I miss the old brick and mortar “mom and pop” shops where you could go in and buy penny candy, or a struggling farmer could charge groceries for his family until the prices came in for the flock he was raising. Some 22 years ago I lived in a small town like this. I worked in a plant factory just on the outskirts of the town and lived about 15 miles past that. I shopped at the small grocery that had a butcher in the back who was more than happy to cut anything I needed, who also gave me bones for all the dogs I had. I got gas in my car at the little full service gas station that would last me a week (which was great since gas was about $1 a gallon and I drove probably 300 miles a week easily). There was a little pizza joint that had pool tables, which also had the local bar. The “thrift shop” was really a thrift shop. Housed in an old rundown white building, that had maybe three rooms in it. The owner told me a story about his grandmother who grew up in the three room house and had his mother in one of the rooms who in turn had him in the same room while his father was off fighting in one of the wars ( I wish I could remember which one). When I first moved to this town I had visited the shop often to get things for my own house (which was probably about 100 years old or older). The gentlemen was older and it didn’t matter how much I told him I didn’t need any help that I could get my brother in law to come over and help he insisted that he deliver the items and bring it in for me, no extra charge. But in the spirit of old fashioned service and courteous neighbours I made him and his grandsons lunch.

As we drove up here last night I thought about those days, and I longed for something like that again. Even though I love my internet and I love my computer and other technologies I wish there was a way to be able to combine the things of old with the things of new. But most of all I wish there was a way to have the old values of our ancestors. Neighbours helped each other. They had socials where people got together, had a good time, ate food and maybe even built a barn for someone who needed it.

Remember when people would get together and rebuild a house or barn when some act of nature destroyed it? For no charge? We don’t see that anymore. What we do see is people losing their homes and everything in it and needing to find the money to rebuild it if they didn’t have insurance. If they don’t have the money then they have to depend on strangers in shelters to have a place to sleep, or on family members who are barely making it on their own.

Maybe what I remember reminds you of something from “Little House on the Prairie” Well I grew up in small towns like that and I miss it.

 

Video Update

Hello everyone,

So yes I know in my first video I said I was going to try to do a new video at least every month. Boy did that never happen. LOL

Anyway so I made a new one today. I am going to post the first one here as well so you can see the difference.

First Video after T

Second Video after T (two years later)

 

Sorry the second one is like 9 minutes long, but wanted to get in the changes and what not.

Now that you have the update, I wanted to also say I am sorry I have not written in so long. I got into a rut about not writing and it is not good for me. So I am going to try and write more. I want to be able to hone my writing skills so I can get more experience. So if you don’t see anything from me for awhile, throw a rock at me or something.

 

For now, enjoy the videos LOL

 

Storm

Follow the path

Hello everyone,

So I told you all about the wonderful trip we took and how much fun we had. Well today I would like to ask you to just do one simple thing for me.

Angel and I started a business not long ago and we have a blog on the website (the blog is wordpress operated) and apparently I cannot figure out how to tie it to my personal one so I could just follow it. (I am a writer on it as well). Anyway, Angel has been doing most of the blogging over there…. She has just received her diploma for her Masters in Arts in I/O Psychology and I am very proud of her.

Her blogs over there are terrific and I think a lot of people would really like what she has to say. So if you would.. pretty please go check it out..

http://blog.totallifesymmetry.com/blog/2014/01/24/envisioning-your-zen/

Thank you all so much!

More from me later.

Back from KY

So as some of you may know I was in KY last weekend to attend a personal development seminar. To be specific it was Jacksonville, IN, just over the Ohio River from Louisville, KY. Angel and I have been getting into starting our own wellness business and one of the requirements to go up in ranks is to attend this personal development seminar called Humans Being More. Now NIKKEN is the company that started this particular seminar, but it is for anyone, you do not have to be signed up in NIKKEN to go, but you do have to do it if you plan on getting to Silver in NIKKEN.

So our sponsors Kimball Sargent and Geoffery Avery-Foy took us this past weekend. Now I believe myself to be as positive as I can be in the world that we live in. We are not rich, by any definition of the word. In fact we are pretty damn poor more times that I care to admit. Angel has not been able to get a job and work steady for almost a year and it was sketchy before that. Her degree brings her absolutely now help here in this part of NC and moving of course is not an option, not that we could afford to do it anyway.

We have been hanging on by a thread to get by in life and it is hard. It brings us down and our positivity goes right in the toilet to be honest. We try to keep each other up when one falls down, but it is hard. I am not going to lie to you. There have been days when we were both wondering if we were going to make it. But we did and often times I truly believe it is because the Universe has been throwing signs at me for a long time now. I am pretty sure soon it will be a brick.

Last August I was facing being taken off a medication I knew I would be in extreme pain without, but our insurance was just refusing to pay for it and apparently their qualifications for me to be on it would require me to not be walking. (I still do not understand this concept of paying for the cost of surgeries or bigger medicine costs instead of doing preventive measures). But the Universe saw that there was a better way for me since this particular medication causes me more issues by breaking down my organs from the side effects than it was worth. When I found it, for the second time, I decided this was the time for me to get better all the way around.

I currently do not take that particular medication and I am not trying to cut my legs off in the middle of the night. But I am not going to talk about that right now, I mean if you want to know how I was able to turn that around you can ask me and I will gladly have a private discussion with you.

Today I am here to talk about the seminar we went to. Now I am as I said earlier thought of to be positive, but there is lots of baggage I carry with me and I have a lot of insecurities in my life. And I want to change that and I want to change it even more since this past weekend.

Jeff Isom has facilitated Humans Being More for the past 15 years and he is fabulous. I don’t usually go for these sorts of things. I mean you can only tell yourself so much before you brain looks at you and laughs. Or this is what I use to think. After two days I learned some things about myself. I learned I am ready to work on forgiving my mother. I learned that there are people in my life that share my blood that I am not ready to forgive, and that is my problem, not theirs. Hell they probably don’t even know there is anything for me to forgive them for, and that is ok, because it is my work and I will work it when I am ready for it. But I know that I am more open to the idea of it than I was before this past weekend.

I was able to build my relationship with Angel, and it became stronger, and it was already pretty damn strong to begin with. I didn’t know it was possible for us to get any stronger.. Look out world! I found out that I am courageous and I shared things, and yes I even cried in front a room full of people (not all of them may have seen it, but I knew they were there and I did it anyway) I was surrounded by love and support and the tears flew, even though I was scared, I didn’t hold it back for fear of what people would think about me.

I made friends, I shared and I hugged people. I also realized that I needed to begin hugging more. I have always felt badly about the amount of hugs I didn’t give my kids. When PJ and Danny were younger and Angel and I had not met yet, I was a mess. I was a less than satisfying parent. I didn’t hug them enough, in fact most times I would tighten up when they would come to me for a hug, or I would flat out deny them that hug. I feel badly about that now. I wish I had something like this before so that I could give them all those hugs. But I can’t change what happened in the past, all I can do now is to hug them whenever I can and hope that it helps and that they realize how much I really do love all of them.

I also realized how many negative people I have in my life and what I need to do about that. I mean look at it, really look at it. Does that number on your caller idea make you cringe even though it is a friend, or possibly a family member? Is the reason you cringe is because whenever you talk to them you feel like your battery has been drained of all the juice? All of that negativity brings your energy down. As a friend of mine says, “You cannot vibrate on both levels” Meaning you cannot keep in a good space when you are surrounded my negativity. If you are feeling down, get up and dance, sing.. put on some music! Do something that brings your spirit back up. Angel and I love to listen to music, but lately our stereo has stayed quiet unless we were in the shop or outside doing some sort of physical work. Now we have it playing, loud vibrant music. So, I found out I needed to make some changes in order to save my life. In order to save the life of my loved ones and friends, even friends I have not met yet.

This is hard to do though because you have to come to the realization that some people in your life will need to be escorted out, some may even go away kicking and screaming, some may just go away and tell everyone you are a quack, perhaps we have been brained washed… and that is fine, whatever they need to do to feel better about it. Because I am not responsible for what they do or say, I am only responsible for what I do.

Sometimes when I come across things like this past weekend I think “ok so when is this high going to fall away, when is the reality of the situation going to rear its ugly head” because in my past I have always though this kind of thing was a bunch of crap and I do believe that some of it is. I don’t deal well with the whole “Get UPRIGHT NOW AND SCREAM” routine. I don’t do well with the whole. “If you think it is going to be hard enough, then it will be” Meaning if I think I am going to be rich, then I am going to be rick. And a lot of seminars run like that. That is all you have to do, just think it and it will come true. Well pardon me but Bullshit! You have to do the work, but if you do not believe you can do it, then it won’t be done and no matter how much you think you will be rich, you just won’t be. You have to get up and do something about it. You have to be pro-active. You have to take life by the horns and lead it around. You make life livable by how you view your world around. Are you the center of YOUR world? Or is that drama loving friend the center of your Universe?

I had to realize that I needed to make changes in my life. I needed to be more positive, I needed to look at my values and find Storm. Who am I really? What do I value? What do I value in myself and others? Do I really value that or do I just say it to fit in? Who do I hang around and who should I hang around? What sort of baggage do I carry with me that holds me back? How do I get rid of it?

So many, many , things were learned this past weekend and I could not be more grateful and the fact that Angel has been right there beside me and feels the same way about it makes it even more so because I think sometimes she is a worse critic than I am, and that is good because she has helped me to have faith in myself and I think I have done the same for her.

So we start on this new road. Being positive, daily positive affirmations, creating life cycle boards, working, working and working some more on bringing wellness to people.. but most of all to share the positive with others and to become a part of a strong positive community. Who knows maybe we will all end up singing some corny camp song and enjoy it!

So as I said, we start on this new road, we would love it if you came along with us, but if not that is ok too, when you are ready we will be there.

Trip of a life time

So, yesterday Angel and I were lucky enough to be a part of a presentation of Healthy Child, Healthy World. It shows parents, grandparents, child caretakers and basically anyone who takes care of a child, or knows a child about the things we can do to create a healthier living environment for our children and in turn have healthier children. Whom, in fact, turn around to appreciate the earth more and grow into advocates to help save our earth.

After that was done we packed up our suit cases, spent the night in Fuquay- Varina , got up at the bright and early time of 4 am and was on the road around 6 to head to Louisville, KY (Yes the home of the Cardinals, the place of the Louisville Sluggers Field)

We are here this weekend to attend a personal development program called Humans Being More. Our sponsors with Nikken invited us to come along because they really want us to succeed in our new business, and this program is something special (this is what Kimball tells us and I have no reason to not believe her), so I am really looking forward to our time here. Because of Geoff’s special ability to find the greatest deal in the world at just the right time we are not spending the weekend at the Sheraton and because of the membership they were able to sign up for we get to have special privileges.. you know.. the kind only membership gets you.

So many people would be saying right now.. Well a trip to Louisville, KY cannot possibly be a trip of a lifetime. Well first, yeah it can, I mean hello the Cardinals home playing field is here and anyone who is a fan of baseball is going to love that, and two. Umm hello Louisville Slugger Field. Need I say more?

When I say trip of a lifetime in this case .. I mean the next couple of days could, and fact let me change that… WILL change our lives significantly!

This is the next step in our business building that we need to take and I am so looking forward to it. We listened to a cd series on the way out here.. And normally I am not good with listening to people talk on cd or anything like that. But in this case I was spell bound.. even when being in the car for so long, and getting up early tried to make me go to sleep, I was brought back to the living by what I was hearing from him. Oh by the way, it was Jack Canfield who wrote “Chicken Soup for the Soul” Books. I personally own two of them. “Chicken Soup for the Writer’s Soul ” “Chicken Soup for the Father’s Soul” I read from each one of them when I get extra time before crawling into bed at night. I think I need to do that more often. I want to do that more often.. I WILL DO THAT MORE OFTEN!

In the past two days I have learned so much about what I do and what I really need to change and the courage I will need to make those changes.

Now I am off to see Jeff Isom speak. He is the youngest person to do these events. His mother started Nikken many years ago, and now he works as VP ( of something in Nikken, I need to find out again.. my mind is a little mush right now).

The Surprise Factor

A mere 21 years ago I was sitting in my living room very pregnant with my first child. This child was planned, meaning that even though I was identifying as a butch, I had sex with a man I thought was good looking enough to help me make a baby. (ok I realize that may have sounded shallow, but it is the truth) I had no interest in having a relationship with a man, I mean hello did say I was butch. I frankly had to get good and damn drunk before I could do the deed.
So I did the deed, and got physically ill as soon as everything was done. I can say he had a good time, I certainly did not. Thank all the gods that it only took once, or the child probably would not have been. But the gods really wanted me to have a child.
And now… now..21 years later I am sitting here in my living room, it is 2013 just days from Thanksgiving. I am listening to my wife talking to two of our three children and our son-in-law. We have just come in from outside where we all have agreed it is cold.. not too damn cold, but cold enough to wait till noon to do any outside work. Our oldest daughter is sitting on the couch holding Phoenix on her lap who refuses to get inside of the hooded where she normally would go because she doesn’t want to squash the baby…

Oh, did I forget to tell you.. .just like 21 one years ago, I am sitting in the living room waiting for another baby. Our oldest daughter PJ is giving us a grandbaby.
Her due date is January 26th. We are thinking if the baby comes on the 11th it would be a nice present for Maimeó’s (Gaelic for Grandma) birthday.
I sit here and think about when I carried PJ and waited for that day she would finally come. It was exciting and wondrous and I was amazed at the idea of another human being actually growing inside of me and even though I had worries about how I felt about my body and that deep down inside of me I was not a woman, I never worried about the fact that I was giving birth to a child. I felt it was an honor to be able to give life in this way. Yes binary men take part in creating the child as well, and their DNA is what decides the child’s binary gender. However to watch, to feel a child growing inside of you for 40 weeks is amazing. What your body goes through, what your body gives to help in the process of the child forming is simply amazing and I was feeling all of this even though I was sick everyday.. SICK.. Morning sickness had nothing on me. I could not eat meat, I could not see meat, I could not smell meat or I would throw up right there. The only milk I could drink was if you took whole milk and mix it with that nasty powder milk. I was obsessed with any vegetable and any fruit, but they had to be fresh or frozen, if you tried to give me something from a can I turned into Linda Blair from Exorcist spewing and everything.
PJ moved around a lot and I had great nights of putting my hand on my belly and just feeling her get ready for life. Now, I get to put my hand on her belly and start the bonding process with my grandchild.
He is a little stinker though, every time Daideó (Gaelic for Grandpa) puts his hand on the belly he gets still. But I have found out the secret to get him to play with me. I make him biscuits and gravy. Turns out he loves them and he knows who makes them, because after PJ ate them he let me feel him move all day long. I am not sure PJ was happy about that though, but she liked the meal so I will be making her some one morning soon.
Angel and I think she is going to have a boy because she is carrying high, though we can’t get a confirmation on the sonogram because apparently he moves a lot then as well.
Now let me explain something, I am a spiritual person, I don’t usually talk about the details of my faith, but this child is truly a gift and he was meant to be here. He or she is going to do great things.
(Future note to grandbaby, if you turn out to be a girl in any shape or form, forgive me for calling you he, it is better than calling you IT)
PJ and D were vigilant in using protection because they had a plan. PJ was finishing college and D was enrolling into the Air Force before they got settled and started a family. Apparently this baby needed to be here now. I am ok with that, I just want the baby to be healthy and happy and we the grandparents are probably going to spoil him to some degree.
I know that PJ will be reading this blog, so I want to take a moment and make a very public comment to her.

PJ, when I carried you in my body for 40 weeks I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. Giving birth to you was one of the greatest joys of my life and even though we have had some ups and downs we have turned out great on the other end. As I sit here and listen to you and your mom talking about the baby and how your body feels so tired I want to do everything and anything to protect you. Not to take that from D, because I know for a fact that man would move heaven and earth to protect you and the baby. But as your father I would do the same.
Watching you as you talk about your baby as you rub your belly is so amazing. I can now count this event as one of the most amazing things and the greatest joys of my life.
I am so proud of the young woman you have turned into and I know without a doubt that you and D are going to be great parents. I love you

My baby is having a baby. –Happy Sigh