Being a Role Model

I am sure I talked about my lack of role models at some point in this journal of my transitioning. It has been on my mind again lately. We have a one year old grandson who is doing a lot of walking around, talking and mimicking people around him. I watch him discover the world around me and it brings me back to when I was younger. I watched my grandpa a lot and followed him around whenever he was home. My Grams would let me go out with him to the barn and do things with him if he allowed me to. I watched how he treated my Grams and to this day I refer back to the man he was as I go through life.

I like to think that I am a gentleman. I open doors for all the women in my family and generally do so with our female friends. I try to do things for Angel that show her how much I love her and value her in my life.

There is a lot about me that I consider old fashioned while still trying to be modern. I cook on occasion, and at the holidays I bake for the family and our friends. I do what some men from the 50’s would call “woman’s work” (Don’t get mad at me, I do not think like that) I just see it as taking care of my family and our house. But sometimes it is really funny how I move and operate and the feelings it can cause in me.

When I was growing up I imagined having a wife, 2.5 kids, dog, cat and a white picket fence, where we could grow old and rock on our front porch while our grand kids played in the yard. I imagined picking up my wife from home as I came from the office in my perfectly pressed suit, to take her to some fancy dinner. Tucking in our kids, kissing them on the forehead as we snuggled the blankets up to their chins. Standing at the head of the table and carving the Fall Turkey. Yeah I watched Leave it to Beaver a lot when I was a kid.

However, real life kicked in. Issues from my past kept me from being affectionate with our children. (something I am trying to fix) Picking all the wrong people to try and make a life with kept this life from me for a very long time. But then Angel and I met, and life changed for the better. We have our house that our grandson plays with our dog. We have more than one cat (may all the gods help me), we have three children and a fence (though it is a privacy fence and not white) I don’t tuck my children in, I don’t smoke a pipe and sit in the living room reading the newspaper. I do however try to show our children and grandson how to respect the people you love and how to treat a woman.

I had a conversation with Angel one day about how I was unsure at times of how to treat women outside of our family. I wanted to open doors, and hold out chairs for them, but I have actually been verbally attacked by some women for doing that. Oh, but that is a whole other topic I could get into. Ladies, do not get me wrong on this, please. I, of all people, understand the fight for equal rights, equal pay and wanting to be taken seriously. Trust me on this. And in no way ever would I think a woman NEEDED to be protected or taken care of. Do you think Angel would allow me to act like that, or be with someone who thought like that? Yeah… no.

Even before I started my transition I had taught my son to value a woman, to be there for her, to take care of your wife. Never, ever, at any time should you use your hands on a woman in a harmful way. I think I did something right, he is getting married next month and he is working his ass off to be sure he has a 40 hour week and insurance so that he can provide for his new wife.

Man, I feel very distorted today so bare with me in this post.

I guess all of this has to do with the fact that I am closer to the day where my name is offically changed and to the world I will have that male name and with any luck the M on my ID’s. So at times I worry that I am a good male role model for other’s around me. I wish I could say I had my grandpa around me all the time, but I didn’t. I only remember bits and pieces from when I would be there in the summer. None of that happened after Grams died when I was 10 . So, I didn’t grow up with a good male role model as a teenager. Right now I feel like I am in the middle of everything.

In the middle of being who I was and who I am to become.  In the middle of being where I am and where I want to be. I am really tired of this limbo crap.

 

LLAP

Talking to my dog…

…apparently is a reason for PJ to worry about me.

So Angel and my sister Tonia have been working long long shifts at Edible Arrangements because Valentines day is their busiest time of the year. So since Tuesday they have worked long hours. This means I am home alone for the majority of the day. Well besides the animals we have.. 4 cats and two small dogs. (we adopted our friend’s dog who moved out of state)

So the event that happened yesterday is why I titled this as such.

I was doing laundry and had clothes put in the dryer ready to be.. well dried.. I close the door and the damn screen is not lighting up like it usually does. Well this is strange. so I check the plug, yep plugged in.. I try to get it to start again.. nothing..

“What the hell is going on with the dryer” I ask.. apparently my dog Phoenix. She didn’t answer me.. really I mean .. she had nothing for me.

So after going to the breaker box.. which let me tell you should be an Olympic event in my house.. Said breaker box is in the utility room which is technically outside off of my shop.. which is still filled with crap that has no home yet because I don’t have the storage to put said crap in so that I actually have a shop. So as I crawl over office chairs and totes with decorations in I am muttering and cursing. Still Phoenix has nothing for me..

I get into the utility room only to find it was total darkness. See last time I was in there when I turned on the light by pulling the damn string, well .. the string broke.. so I just left the light on because I could not reach the chain to do anything else. Well apparently the damn light is out now so I have to make my way back to the house to get a damn flashlight.. does this happen to anyone else besides me.. Oh and again Phoenix was no help in getting the flash light for me. … gonna have to train her better.

So with flashlight in hand I again trek over mountains of shit to get back to the box.. where I find a 220 breaker in the off position.. I turn it on and take that awful journey back to the house.. where the dryer.. is still not working..

Then I notice the light is on inside of the dryer when I open the door. Was that on before? She has nothing for me… talk about rude.. anyway it doesn’t matter because the damn dryer is still not working.. so in a fit of frustration I raise my hands and hit the damn thing.. jostling it an iota in one direction which turns it on…

What…. the…fuck?

Who cares the damn thing is working and my wife has clean clothes for the next day.

So, then I begin to ask Phoenix why she didn’t just tell me I needed to move the damn thing a little.. really this girl is shy.. she tilts her head at me and does her best beg pose.. I give her a piece of popcorn…

Men, well transmen should not be left alone to their own devices.. because apparently according to PJ I should never get a Parrot or put cameras in the house because I would get locked up. I think I would make millions on a video of a transman talking to his lap puppy while trying to get the damn dryer to work.. what do you think?

I talked to my mother in law yesterday as well. I rarely have long conversations with her because she does not like most things that come out of my mouth. But on the occasion she asks me for help and I give her advice.. not that she always takes it, but she does ask me for advice about her guy sometimes.. again not that she always takes it..

So anyway she is talking to me on the phone.. I am helping her with finding a check from 2010 that would prove she paid some extra money towards buying her house.. so as I am searching on her account she asked me what I was doing when she called.. I tell her.. laundry.. she says..

D: Oh you were doing the laundry huh.. oh wait.. with them being gone all day you have to do the cleaning and cooking huh

Me: yeah… be pretty bad of me to have them come home to a dirty house and no food on the table .. kid has to eat too..

D: oh that is a lot of responsibility .. are you ok? do you need help?

Me: Umm mom.. I did live by myself with two little kids for a long time before Angel came along.. and they survived rather nicely yanno.. house even stood up on its own..

D: oh.. yeah .. -lil chuckle-

It amazes me how people think I am some helpless man who can’t get along without his wife.

I do cook, I do clean.. I don’t necessarily have to, because Angel and Tonia usually are on top of it while I do the whole man fix thing..

but I do cook and I cook rather well actually.. I hate dishes though.. hate them hate them.. it is like some kind of trigger for me.. but hey I am not going to let my wife come home to a sink full of dishes after she has been working damn near twelve hours a day. Nope

Today is Valentine’s Day.. We won’t be able to do anything with each other.. Angel is dead on her feet.. and she just said to me.. I wish we could do something today.. I told her that we would have our own little day next week. Besides Valentines stuff will be on clearance then LMAO.. Actually I won’t get her anything like that.. I usually get her a plant or another rose bush. And I usually get a sappy card that describes us to a T because we are so sickenin’

Damn I love that woman!

Hope you all have a lovely day!!