Happy Anniversary Angel!

Well this post is actually late, because our anniversary was on Feb. 8th. We have been together for 8 years now. This is the longest relationship I ever had. The same goes for her. I know without a doubt that we will be together for as long as we are breathing. I don’t even have an inkling of a doubt.

I know some of you may be out there snickering thinking to yourself “everyone says that” You are right, we say that a lot to ourselves over the years. Oh this is the love of my life, I will never leave so and so… then months, perhaps even days later the relationship has ended. That is because we lie to ourselves. We forget there are major things we do not like about the person we are with, but oh we can either change them, or we will get use to it because we just love them sooooo much. Or even worse there are things we do not like about ourselves and we destroy the relationship with our petty arguments because we are not comfortable with ourselves.

I did that a lot. For years I tried being something I wasn’t. Which is kind of weird because I claimed I was being the real me when I came out as being gay. I am who I am live with it! I never cheated on any of my relationships even though I had a habit of falling in love with other people. I just never acted on it, and I often thought to myself, why in the hell am I in a relationship if I keep wanting to try on someone else, even though I never stopped loving the person I was with at the time. So I started to research my feelings, especially after I was involved with a woman who felt it was better to beat on me to keep me than to love me.

I spent a couple of years by myself until I met a woman online who seemed to understand me. I told her about the fact that I was now being honest with myself and with others who might want to be in a relationship with me. My falling in love with more than one person made me polyamourous. She needed to accept this about me in order for us to have a relationship. She assured me she did accept it and she would have no problem with it. Though I felt that I was poly I didn’t really think I would have another sexual relationship with someone while I was with one person. But just acknowledging it about myself made me feel better. Eventually this woman and I moved in together and I felt as though I would be with her forever because I was finally honest with myself about who I was and what I needed from someone else. But see, I wasn’t fully honest with myself yet. I had feelings, I had urges inside of me that just refused to be kept in the dark any longer no matter how much I tried to push them down.

Finally I started talking to her about how I didn’t feel like a woman, in fact whenever someone called me Ma’am, or woman I would get sick to my stomach. I had this open pit inside of me that nothing could fill… no matter what I did. I thought perhaps if I went into my spirituality more that I would find something. It helped some, but still I was not me so the pit stayed unfilled.

I tried to talk to the woman I was with about how I felt, and that I believed I was really suppose to have been born a man. This shell on me was not me.. I needed to do something to change things. At first she helped me a lot.. she helped me to make what we called a softie… basically this was a homemade soft penis and testicles to wear in my boxers to help me feel more like me. It really didn’t work, mostly because it fell out of my boxers too much to be bothered with it. I could have bought one online. I had lots of places to do so, but I could not feel comfortable with buying it. I had tried to pursue this idea more, but I started to feel the woman pull away from me when she realized I didn’t just want this in the bedroom, but it was for real.

Then I met Angel.

I had to get help from the state for my children and of course they ask you about the natural fathers so it turned out that I had to have a paternity test done for my oldest. This led to her sperm donor to contact me. After talking to the oldest we called him. We found out that our oldest had a sister. (PJ & J) He was also with the mother of PJ’s sister. Her name was Angel. The next time I called to talk to him about his plans to come see PJ, Angel answered the phone. He wasn’t home, but Angel and I talked on the phone for hours… HOURS… and Angel did not like talking on the phone. It got to the point that I talked to Angel more than anyone else. We met online to talk some more.. when she went to work she would call me on her lunch break. I introduced her to the woman I was with and they became friends. I knew I was in trouble though. I was falling in love with this woman.. a woman who was states and states away from me.

Angel told the sperm donor to take a hike.. he is an asshole from hell anyway…

He never came to see PJ, but Angel and J came up in the beginning of February of 2005 for PJ’s and Danny’s birthday (3rd&6th)

As soon as I saw her at the airport I knew my heart was taken.

I am not going to go through the whole scene of how things happened and I am not going to put down the woman I was with because she was wonderful. But not only was I not honest with myself about who I was, and what I was… she was not honest with herself about what she could give and what she could accept in life. That is ok. We are both better off just being friends.

Angel knew who I was, she was the only one who knew the full extent of it. I was really a man.. this shell does not portray who I am.. and she saw past the shell I wear.

She loves me for who I am.. a Brute… a Man.. a redneck at times (love my duct tape)

We didn’t get to move in together until October of 2006.

She is the best mother my kids have ever had. She is the best person for me. I love her with all my life. I can count the fights we have had in the past 8 years on one hand. She helped me be comfortable with who I am helped me to take that first step on my journey.

Angel love, you are my life, my one.. my heart and soul and I am the luckiest man in the world.

That pit?… does not exist anymore.